The Loss
by Procyonstar
Summary: Their time on Retha comes back to haunt John and Helena
1. Chapter 1

**The Loss **

**Part 1**

Overwhelming relief that John was safe became panic as a dull pain sliced into her. Instinctively Helena knew what was happening. There had been an awareness that something was wrong earlier, as Balor had confronted her in Medical, and now the nagging ache that she'd been ignoring since she'd arrived in Main Mission grew and changed into something more. Another sharp pain took her breath away almost doubling her over. Victor turned toward her, mistaking her gasp for one of concern.

"Hey...it's over..." he said, patting her arm and offering her a reassuring smile which she managed to acknowledge, whilst all the time knowing that she must get away! She needed to get back to her quarters, she needed to be alone and yet her mind was in turmoil! How could she leave before he returned?

She'd rushed from the evacuated Medical Centre and arrived in Main Mission just in time to witness John magnified on the main screen, fighting with Balor, goading him and trying to lead him to the airlock.

She had been stunned, and turning to the watching Alphans, demanded to know what the hell he was doing!

How could he possibly overpower Balor on his own?

Without taking her eyes from the screen she listened as they described the crazy scheme devised to trap Balor and eject him out into space. The plan seemed ridiculous and far too dangerous. It had little chance of success and she was furious with John, and with the others, for letting him do it. Furious, but also understanding and oh so scared, as she realised the full consequence of the danger he was facing.

She watched with everyone else as he moved around the deserted base with Balor close behind. She should have expected as much! She'd known, because he'd told her, that as Commander, he held himself personally responsible for this new threat to Alpha and she wasn't surprised to find that he was taking on the threat of Balor alone. She knew John would do anything to save the base and that knowledge terrified her. She fought to hold onto her composure and not allow her personal feelings for Alpha's Commander to show, as blow after blow rained down on Koenig and the whole of Alpha held its breath.

Balor had held them all captive since they had unknowingly released the evil alien from his asteroid prison, days earlier. Seemingly 'dead' he revived and in the following days Alpha paid a high price for offering refuge to the stranger. He brought with him fear and death and also an ability to regenerate. His immortality seemed insurmountable.

The atmosphere in Main Mission changed from despair to jubilation as, after sending Koenig flying through the air in rage, the alien finally backed himself into the disguised airlock. In that same instant, Alan shouted and Paul slammed his hand down to activate the switch and open the airlock. Balor was sucked out into space and the threat was over. Relief spread through the base as they waited for the commander to return to Main Mission.

Helena felt the first pain at exactly the same moment that the airlock snapped shut. Closing her eyes to keep control and bracing herself against one of the workstations she couldn't help the gasp that escaped her lips. Vaguely aware of Victor at her side, her head was pounding with emotions. She knew she didn't have much time before someone realized something was wrong.

Victor noticed her sudden pallor. He reached out to offer his support and noticed how badly she was shaking. Aware of the growing bond between Helena and John, he assumed her reaction was due to the ordeal that she'd just witnessed. He made some comment about John being 'tough as old boots' in an attempt to cheer her up and she managed a faint smile. A call came in on her commlock from Mathias and, telling Victor and Paul that she couldn't stay until John got back, she gave rapid orders to her second as she left Main Mission. She had intended to head to Medical but as another pain hit her she knew she desperately needed some privacy, so she turned toward the living area of the base, succumbing to an instinctive need to be alone.

* * *

><p>As she entered her quarters and the doors slid closed behind her, she dropped her commlock and sank to the floor finally able to let go and release the misery that had been threatening to overwhelm her for the last hour. Misery that expanded as each new spasm hit, like waves in the ocean, rolling over her and tossing her around in a sea of pain. Nausea made her head spin and she crawled across the room to her small bathroom to find some water. Then she became aware of the blood, bright red and soaking through the beige blandness of her uniform trousers.<p>

A stark visual indication of her loss!

Strangely she was able to look down on herself.

Watch as she curled herself up into a protective ball.

Watch as she rocked in a haze of pain and grief, there on the cold floor.

Watch what was happening and yet remain detached from the situation.

She was CMO and she knew she should call Bob. But what would she say...how could she explain what was happening?

As pain engulfed her and a soothing blackness drew her towards it...shards of memories that had been edging her consciousness since her return from Retha, began to meld together...forming distinct images...flickering flames cast undulating shadows on the cave wall and she knew where she was...

_The cave was dark. The fire glowed brightly and created pockets of moving shadow as its light played and danced on the walls._

_Smoke from the fire made the air thick and pungent._

_Dark formless shapes shuffled around in the shadows. Soft grunts and occasional yelps could be heard. _

_She knew the moment he returned. She had been waiting for him. _

_His scent tantalised her...the baking heat of the day captured in his crusted sweat._

_She felt her body respond to the smell of him...the ripeness of her arousal calling out to him. _

_She wanted him..._

_Then...a distraction... A strange female..._

_He turned away from her toward the interloper...confusion...then snarling aggression followed by yelps of fear. _

_He took the strange female as his prize!_

_He was the leader...she was his...but now a threat...primeval jealousy tore through her...he cannot have her..._

_She went wild...enraged by the strange female's presence... he lashed out protecting his prize...she backed away...watching him broodingly...he was the leader...he was hers..._

_He threw his prize towards the back of the cave...into the shadows...then he turned back towards her...his mate...she was howling with anger and wounded pride._

_He approached her warily as she cowered in the corner cautiously extending his large hand towards her. She felt the lash from his eyes as he signalled his dominance and she backed away, whimpering in deference. He moved closer. When she made no effort to resist he snatched at her hair...pulling on it hard to drag her closer to him. _

_Their eyes locked...deepest green and sparkling blue...and there was recognition. _

_He forced her to stand before him in submission, holding her in place by her hair. He was a fine animal...tall and strong. He lowered his mouth and bit into the fleshy part of her breast. She danced in pain...spitting and snarling...but her jerky movements and squeals only served to enhance his arousal._

_His prize was forgotten..._

_With a twist of her hair he pushed her roughly to the ground. She fell before him...pain from the pull of her hair making her yelp. She dared to look up at him as he stood over her...he was magnificent...the planes of his lean body gleaming in the firelight...his engorged shaft jutting out proudly...waiting impatiently for release...she remembered what it did to her...she craved what it did to her! _

_With a jerk of his powerful wrist he spun her around by her hair moving her into position...bending her before him and pawing at her covering._

_She waited before him on all fours...her rear exposed for his use...She could smell the muskiness of her arousal...could feel the slickness between her thighs as she anticipated his entry. Her hands rested on the cold rock floor...her knees cushioned on a deep bed of fur. She was panting with need. She could feel the eager kiss of this shaft as it twitched against her...seeking entry. _

_She held her breath with anticipation..._

_He thrust into her hard...she cried out as he filled her...it was always the same...he was huge and his power scared her...but as he began to move within her, she calmed...soft mewing sounds escaped her lips...her panic gave way to pleasure as he used her body to ease his instinctive need. _

_He rode her hard...shards of rock cut into the palms of her hands as she rocked with him...she could taste blood as she bit into her lips. _

_She bucked beneath him...fighting his domination whilst at the same time pushing herself hard against him... willing him to continue. She was his mate! _

_The harsh slap of their bodies intensified. Her cries echoed off the cave walls as his tempo increased...his grunts of pleasure making something deep inside her begin to quiver..._

_He clutched at her hair again...yanking her head back. Pain jarred through her body and she let out a snarl of anger...but as she arched back towards him, the forced movement allowed him deeper entry, increasing her pleasure and making her gasp loudly. Her breasts thrust out before her...bouncing with a rhythm that matched his movements. He held her firmly in place one hand tangled in her hair the other branding a searing heat of possession on her hip, as he pounded towards his climax._

_Her cries became harsh and gasping and a familiar sensation built inside her...growing and exploding as his final thrusts shot his white hot seed deep within her...making her cry out with wild abandon. _

_He quietened...released her hair and gripped her hips tightly...holding her still...his shaft quivering as it lay buried deep within her heat. She collapsed forward exhausted...her body ached from the way he had used her...but she was his possession...she waited...her breathe slowing...he held her there before him for a while longer and then pulled out of her and pushed her aside. _

_She had done her job! _

_She was his mate...she was his woman. _

_He was her man..._

* * *

><p>Their encounter with the planet Retha had started well. All indications were that it could sustain human life, that there seemed to be a plentiful supply of all essential core elements. The command team had been filled with optimism and a landing party was sent to investigate. Then things had started to go wrong. Contact with the group was lost and their Eagle returned empty...empty except for the body of an unknown 'cave man' on board. Very strange! A major search operation was launched. Time was of the essence. They would only be in range of the planet for about a week and Alphans were missing!<p>

The Commander sent Eagles One and Two down to the planet. He led the search team, taking a security detail and a medical unit led by Helena along for good measure. Alan, responsible for an ariel reconnaissance of the planet took Sandra along to help with the search.

The time on the planet was chaos! When they'd gotten back from Retha, days later, the rescue mission had been successful but it had been a very close thing.

Somehow most of the Alphans who'd been on the surface of Retha had been transported back in time forty thousand years by a sort of misted time warp. Victor had managed to work out what had happened because the autopsy results had shown that the dead 'cave man' was actually one of the original landing party.

Helena had no clue what had happened to her. She'd managed a few hurried words with John once they were back aboard the eagle but he only offered reassurance, not explanation. Alpha was moving away and they didn't have a second to waste. He wanted no-one to discuss things until they'd each written up their reports, so orders were to get reports done and then they would de-brief together.

Once safely back on Alpha after an absence of five days, everyone who'd been down to the planet had been checked out thoroughly, herself included. She and Bob had been worried about any effect that the mist might have had on the Alphans. But nothing showed up in any tests, everyone seemed fine. Infected cuts and some irritating insect bites were the only things that needed treatment. Those members of the landing party that had been caught up in the mist had no real idea of what they'd been through.

When she'd got back to Alpha she'd realised that she was a mess. The cloying smell of smoke and sweat clung to her hair and uniform and dirt had left smudges on her face. She'd been a bit embarrassed that John had hugged her...held her close to him when she smelt so bad but she'd shrugged that worry away. They must all be in the same state, so what the heck!

Showering the residue of smoke and sweat and other indefinable yet pungent aromas from her body after her medical exam, she'd found crusted blood marked areas where superficial scratches had cut into her skin. Her knees and the palms of her hands were particularly tender and bruises left dark smudges on her body.

Her head was filled with images...tiny fragments of memory that teased around the edge of her mind.

Smoke and fur pelts...fear and lust.

Chanting and ritual...jealousy and fury!

Splinters of a whole memory that refused to come together.

Vague and elusive, the more she tried to capture the fragments the more they shattered away leaving her frustrated and unsure. She self diagnosed a case of 'overactive imagination', wrote out her report and filed it along with all the others onto Computer.

Two days later Sandra's report came as a one hell of a shock!

She'd been unaffected by the strange cloud and was the only one who had any real memories of her time on the planet. She'd been embarrassed about some of the things that had taken place, uncertain how much she should disclose and had come to ask Helena's advice, seeing as Alpha's CMO had held a leading role in what had happened.

Her report included vivid detail of cave people, primeval rituals and the most instinctive of human behaviour. It read like some far-fetched story but as Helena read through the details, fragments of awareness began to meld together and she knew, even without the memory that it had actually happened.

A tribe

A leader

The medicine woman

...a prisoner...and a threat

'Sandra...you're saying that the commander and I...that we...had sex...openly...in full view of everyone and then...' she was shaking her head in disbelief...'that I tried to kill you? You're sure it was us...me...John Koenig...you?' The question hung in the air between them.

Sandra's brown eyes were troubled. 'Dr Russell...I would not have come to you with this if it was not true.' Sandra's words were gentle but firm. 'The mist did not affect me...I remember it all clearly.' For the first time Sandra saw Helena's composure slip.

She felt sorry for the CMO. She knew that her report contained details...intimate details about things that had taken place on Retha. Things that would be discussed in the official de-brief and, seeing the doctor's reaction, she knew she'd made the right decision in coming to her before submitting the report. It seemed that Helena along with all of the other Alphans who had got caught in the mist, still had little or no recollection of their time as 'cave people' and she could tell that Helena was shocked by what she'd found out.

Sandra knew that her report would contribute to a base wide communication, which was bound to be read with interest, and even if her clear account of the time on the planet was dumbed down, it would still give the gossip mongers on Alpha weeks of entertainment. There was already a lot of speculation about the Commander and Dr Russell and what had happened down on Retha was bound to add fuel to the fire!

Reading Sandra's words made Helena feel totally exposed. She tried to remain composed but intercepting a gentle, comforting smile from Sandra she knew her emotions were plain to see.

Her behaviour on Retha was a surprise. Not so much on an emotional level because she knew how strong her feelings for Alpha's Commander were, but on the physical level...that was a surprise.

Despite becoming close over the last few months their physical relationship hadn't progressed further than a few kisses. Ok...some pretty fabulous, hot, crazy sort of kisses...kisses that had left them both on the edge...on the edge of a precipice, teetering on the brink of a step that would change things forever. But they hadn't actually gotten to the stage where they were ready to take 'that final step'! There was always a good reason to hold back. How could they be concerned with their own personal feelings when there was always so much to do...when so many lives depended on their decisions?

Helena had spent many a long night trying to work out why they'd refrained from love making. It wasn't that she didn't want to...her body craved his touch and she longed to throw caution to the wind and give in to her needs. It wasn't that he didn't want to either, the hardness of his body and the silent need smouldering in his eyes gave the game away. She could sense the tight control it took for him to draw away and end an evening with just a kiss.

And yet still they found justification in holding back.

Guilt and fear were major factors, she was sure.

Plain and simple guilt that amongst all the loss and heartache felt by each and every Alphan since breakaway, it seemed wrong to be so happy...so much in love with someone. Guilt that they'd had found each other, and the fear that they could get in way too deep! Could they make it work...a relationship with such a close personal and professional dimension? What would happen if it didn't work out? What would life be like when there was nowhere to run and hide? They both took their responsibilities too seriously to jeopardise the welfare of Alpha for their own personal feelings and yet it seemed that, caught up in the mist on Retha, catapulted back to a time of base instincts, their counterparts on the planet had felt no reason to hold back.

After Sandra had left for her duty shift, Helena sat for awhile lost in thought. Knowing that they'd had sex and yet having no recollection of the experience was frustrating. She found herself chasing the fragments of memory...but it was like trying to catch smoke...the harder she tried to remember the more elusive the memories became. Realising that she was doing very little work she tried to concentrate on the medical reports on her desk but her mind started conjuring up pictures of her and John...not on Retha, but here on Alpha...images that she normally only allowed herself to see late at night when she lay alone wishing he were beside her.

Sipping at her coffee and trying to shake the idea of a gorgeous, naked John Koenig from her mind her commlock buzzed and the object of her thoughts came striding into her office, albeit fully clothed and looking very pensive.

Helena wasn't surprised when John appeared. She'd been wondering how long it would take him to find her after he'd read Sandra's report and also how he was going to react to its content. Here they were worrying about keeping their relationship to themselves, unsure of the viability of a personal and professional mix and their more primitive selves had stripped away all the superficiality and allowed their fundamental needs free rein.

Now he was here she found she was quite nervous...

'Sandra's report, you've read it!' It was a statement not a question. His eyes were clouded and Helena couldn't judge his mood. He seemed angry...annoyed! He was both.

Having no clear recollection himself of what had taken place when they disappeared into the mist, reading Sandra's report had thrown him completely. He'd never imagined himself as a Neanderthal type of guy and yet it would seem that under the influence of the mist he had played that role to perfection. None of them could be held responsible for their actions on Retha but that didn't make it any easier to accept. He'd apparently...well he'd...

...HELL...he needed to see Helena...talk to her...before he worked out what to do next.

Her eyes were wary when he walked into her office. She was upset...probably mad at him?

'Yes John...I've read it. I guess she was worried about my reaction...'

'And ?' He paced her office. 'God Helena...I was a bastard! How could I...' he fought to find the words. 'How could I have...?'

'Made love with me...'

He turned impatiently towards her, his anger obvious. 'It wasn't making love Helena...' his words were harsh. 'I took you...violently...if you read between the lines of Sandra's report...took you like an animal...hurt you...I acted like some...'

'John, that's crazy!' Helena moved towards him stopping just short of him. 'If we're honest with each other, you, NO... WE...WE were only doing what we've both wanted to do for awhile now.'

He turned away from her, moving to gaze out of a viewport. She could sense his tension, the anger he was directing at himself for his loss of control. For the violent act he felt he'd subjected her to. But that was just it! The way she saw it, it wasn't just his loss of control...she was as much to blame for the things that had taken place on Retha as he was. From what Sandra had said the medicine woman was no shrinking violet! She had regarded the Tribe leader as her man and she'd had no compunction in attacking a threat to her position, namely Sandra!

'John...I've been thinking about this since I read Sandra's report. Down there on that planet...'she struggled to put her thoughts into words...'down there a different part of us took over. A part not controlled by logic...a part controlled purely by basic primitive human instinct.'

She moved toward him again standing close, wanting him to hold her but sensing that he wasn't ready yet. 'I guess it picked up on our feeling.' She hesitated before she continued, unsure of whether she should continue.

'None of that justifies...'

She cut him off! 'Yes it does John...It wasn't us...not as we are today! It wasn't us but it was our emotions. Down there on Retha we weren't able to hold back! Down there it was lust John...plain and simple lust!' The mist had transported them back to a time where instinct ruled and neither one of them had been capable of denying their true feelings in that situation. 'Strip away all the other stuff and that's what we're left with.' She hesitated giving him time to process what she was saying. Knowing that now was the time for honesty.

Laying her hand on his arm she continued.

'Irecognisethat feeling John. It's in me all of the time. Lust, need, desire...whatever word you want to use...it's inside me,' her voice dropped to a whisper, emotion making her throat scratchy, 'and I only wish I could remember what it felt like to be that intimate with you, to have sex with you.'

He pulled her into his arms as her words sank in, holding her tight. 'I'm sorry...'

'Shhh...I'm sorry too. If we'd worked this out before, instead of torturing ourselves for the last few weeks...maybe it would have been different. Maybe we wouldn't have put on such a...' she hesitated trying to find the right words, '...such a public performance!'

Their eyes met and she felt his smile and catching her breath she continued. 'But it wouldn't have stopped me being jealous and that's what nearly killed you down there on the planet...you and Sandra! If anyone's responsible for what happened down there... it's me! It was my jealousy...my vengefulness that was the catalyst!'

She pulled out of his arms and moved to gaze out at the stars. 'The woman I am today wouldn't attack or kill any threat for your attention but she feels the same emotion...and deep inside me I understand how it could happen. I understand the pain...' Her voice trailed off as she struggled with the words to explain her feelings to this man who had come to mean so much to her.

'When you came back to us...to me after Zenno... after Vana...'

John moved towards her resting his hands on her shoulders. He could feel her tension. 'Helena I...'

She cut him off. 'Remember Zenno, John?' Her voice was choked with emotion. 'I was so jealous of Vana! I still am, even now!'

Catching her breathe she continued. 'I hated that while I was here struggling to keep you alive, terrified of losing you, you were with her! I hated that she knew a part of you that I didn't... I hated that I didn't get a chance to fight for you...to make you choose me...not her...I hate that I feel so jealous of someone I never got to meet...someone who may only have existed in your sub-conscious...how could I fight that!'

Unshed tears made her throat ache yet still she forced herself to go on.

'I hate that loving you makes me so exposed! ' Her words died away and the room was quiet.

Knowing that they needed to get this worked through he moved toward her.

It had gone from being his fault to being hers, when in reality neither was really to blame for what had happened.

As he'd recovered after his ordeal on Zenno he's sensed a difference in her but he'd skirted around it, not really understanding himself whether it had actually happened and not appreciating how Helena was feeling. It amazed him that she could feel so threatened, but then he remembered back to their encounter with the Kaldorians when he had been beside himself with jealousy after Zantor had seemed overly interested in Helena, been ready to rip him apart when she'd been placed in stasis and nearly died, and it all made sense.

Pulling her into his arms and gently kissing the top of her head he explained this to her. That they couldn't go back and change things...but they could move forward. Start over. Stop fighting the attraction they both felt, accept the depth of their feelings for each other and use it to give them the strength to work at their future and the future of Alpha.

If John's commlock hadn't gone off, summoning him back to Main Mission, Helena wasn't sure whether they wouldn't have done something totally irresponsible and completely unprofessional right there in her office...but as they were literally 'saved by the bell', he left her with a deep kiss, assuring her that the command conference would be ok and promising to pick up where he left off...later...

* * *

><p>And it had been worth waiting for! Later, lying naked together in the dim starlight, bodies close, legs entwined, Helena smiled to herself. Yes...it had definitely been worth the wait.<p>

There had been no awkwardness between them, just pure passion and a lot of very pleasurable activity. Like a maestro playing his favourite instrument John had used his hands on her body to drive her crazy with desire and she had followed his lead, wanting to give him as much pleasure as he was giving her. His lips traced hot trails of pure bliss across her closed eyelids, her lips and throat...dipping lower to taste the beauty of her firm breasts and tease her taut nipples, making her gasp with desire before seeking out the throbbing heat that was crying out for his touch...

He was rock hard and oh so hot and needed desperately to lose himself deep inside her. Her hands were everywhere, raking through his hair, kneading the taut muscles of his shoulders, cupping his balls, stroking his throbbing shaft! She rose above him, a silhouette of silver starlight. The wet heat from between her legs lathering his thighs as she made herself comfortable and then surprising him, she bent forward and took him into her mouth and he thought he would die with the intensity of the moment.

Lips, tongues, hands, fingers, strokes, kisses! The music continued until they could stand no more and then, finally reaching a crescendo, they melded together in perfect harmony.

Listening to his steady breathing as she lay close to him in the darkness, Helena couldn't quite believe how wonderful it had been. She hadn't been close to anyone in such an intimate way since she'd lost Lee and to feel so comfortable with John in so short a space of time, startled her. Maybe because they'd waited...not rushed into the sexual side of their relationship, maybe because they respected each other so much...well...maybe that was why she felt so at ease with what had just happened.

Watching him sleep she remembered how well he'd handled the de-brief session earlier in the day. She guessed most of those present in Johns office already had an idea that something was going on between their Commander and CMO so when the details of Sandra's report were discussed it didn't seem to come as much of a surprise and John hadn't been at all embarrassed. Victor had caught her eye and smiled his support and she was surprised that Alan had refrained from making any lewd comment. She couldn't help wondering if John had spoken with him privately and warned him that, on this occasion, his normal aussie banter would not be appreciated. Whatever...it hadn't been the ordeal she'd been expecting. She'd managed to remain composed with just a tiny tremor in her voice as she gave her medical report and as she caught eyes with John across the table, she relaxed.

Coming a week after their return from the planet, the final Retha Report had left out nothing essential, because John believed in keeping things as truthful as possible, but it had been just a little vague. Of course people could and would 'read between the lines' but it hadn't been as explicit as it could have been.

The Moon moved away from Retha and life on Alpha got back to normal.

Despite the change in their relationship neither wanted it to become common knowledge around the base, so they continued to be discreet but that didn't stop the rumours...

_Are they together...I'm sure they are...what do you think? Well, reading between the lines I think they are, it's so obvious...Did you see the way she looked at him when they met on the travel tube this morning...I'm sure their fingers touched as she handed him the reports...he was down in Medical AGAIN yesterday...they were eating together in the cafeteria and they weren't really concentrating on the food if you know what I mean...my friend was given a stint of duty in Main Mission and said that she enters his office without request, apparently she has special privilege...it's set up on the comm. channel...she just walks in...seriously? Yup, seriously... and this morning she was in there for a long time...what'd you think they were doing? I heard that he was seen leaving her quarters early the other morning..._

...they went on and on...

* * *

><p>A week ago she'd started throwing up.<p>

John had left her bed early, going back to his quarters while most of Alpha was still asleep, to shower and get ready for work. They weren't trying to keep their relationship a secret by sneaking between each other's quarters but neither did they want to flaunt it openly about the base. Paul knew where to find John in an emergency and through Computer, Kano was well aware of his commander and CMO's whereabouts, but those closest to John and Helena were also most loyal to them and refrained from adding to any of the mounting speculation.

He'd brushed a gentle kiss across her forehead as he left and she'd dozed back off to sleep making the most of the hour she had before she needed to get up. When she did wake she was barely able to make it to the bathroom before she started retching and once there, she spent the next ten minutes feeling so ill that she didn't dare leave the tiny room. Showered and dressed in her uniform she was about to pick up her commlock and head toward Medical when the need to throw-up drove her back to the toilet again. By the time she'd freshened up again and got to her office her head was a mass of confusion.

Alpha's entire Life Support System was closely monitored and viruses and bugs were normally eradicated in the artificially created environment that kept them all healthy and functioning in deep space. Throughout the morning she began to run a series of system checks but nothing showed up out of the ordinary and as the day passed and she felt fine, her worry subsided.

Two days later she knew something was wrong...really wrong. Each morning she'd woken feeling nauseous and yesterday the feeling had persisted well into the day. When, just the smell of her morning coffee drove her to the bathroom for yet another bout of sickness, she knew she needed to confront what she'd been avoiding!

Running her own set of blood work was not the easiest thing to do but she'd managed it and when the results confirmed her suspicions she was stunned. She ran the same tests a second time willing there to have been some mistake, but there was no doubt about it. She was pregnant!

It was impossible and yet it was true. Her implant was still working, the test results showed the required levels of contraceptive in her bloodstream but they also showed vastly elevated hCG hormone levels too. She'd never seen anything like it. The test results contradicted each other but there was no doubt to their conclusion. Even if her doctor's logic could not accept the results, her woman's intuition knew that there was no mistake!

They'd made love for the first time about five weeks ago. She began doing rapid mental calculations...something was wrong...it didn't add up...literally! From the test results she was roughly six weeks pregnant...how could that be? She gasped out loud...

Seven weeks...seven weeks ago they'd encountered Retha! They'd been down on the planet surface 3 days...away from Alpha for roughly a week. Then it had been several days until she and John had made love for the first time...cross referencing her results with her calculations, double checking only confirmed what she'd suspected. She'd conceived the baby on Retha!

Feeling sick with anxiety she cradled her head in her hands, her mind flooding with so many possibilities...how could it have happened. The implants used on Alpha were almost 100% foolproof! She'd started using her implant when she got back to Alpha after they'd encountered the Black Sun. Having the possibility of losing John so dramatically demonstrated to her and realising how deep her feelings for him were she'd decided that she needed to cover every base. She told herself she wasn't being presumptuous...just cautious.

This just couldn't be happening to her!

John had evoked a strict no-pregnancy directive, not long after breakaway. It made complete sense. They didn't have adequate Life Support to allow for any sort of population growth in the immediate future. Survival on the moonbase sometimes hung by a thread, and they couldn't afford to stretch their fragile systems to a point where they ceased to meet the demands placed upon them. Not everyone was happy about it...she knew. There were those who felt, even in his role as commander, that he had no right to dictate to them on such a personal topic. But it was for everyone's benefit and the majority of Alphans appreciated the necessity, even if they didn't like the reality.

And it turned out to be her, the CMO and the Commander's lover, who ended up breaking the rule. What the hell was she going to do? How could it have happened? Pushing her hair away from her face with an agitated movement she tried to hold onto her flailing emotions.

_How did she feel? _

_Did she feel different? Well, she was throwing up and seemed to have a distinct aversion to coffee...of course she felt different! His child was growing inside her..._

_What was she going to tell John? Would she tell John? Did he need to know? _

_She obviously couldn't have the baby...Baby! _

_Of course she couldn't have the baby...a baby...here on Alpha...even if she wanted to...and she didn't...did she?_

_No...of course she didn't...she'd never been in the least maternal...her career had always been too important to her...well maybe if things had turned out differently with Lee...maybe one day she would have wanted his child...but...but this was different...this was John's baby..._

...thoughts exploded into her head, one after another...screaming for attention!

_She couldn't be pregnant...it was impossible...and yet...she was! _

_Should she tell Bob? Maybe he would re-run the tests and they would give a different result...for God's sake Helena...you're CMO...you're perfectly capable of running routine blood tests...stop kidding yourself...the result was positive...but how? _

_You know how! _

_Ok, not how...but HOW? _

_Her implant was clearly working so...that meant...that...what Helena? _

_What did it mean? _

_It must mean that somehow down on the planet things weren't the same as on Alpha...somehow it had affected her! The mist! Could it have been the mist? Could it be responsible? _

_How could she tell John? _

_What would he say? _

_Well...you know what he's going to say...he can't let personal issues come before the good of Alpha...this was just exactly why she'd been worried about falling in love with him! _

_Complications...no clear line between private and personal lives...what did she expect him to do? _

_Make an exception for her? _

_Stop everyone else from having babies but allow her pregnancy to continue because it was his child...that would really piss people off! _

_He couldn't do that...once he knew...he would have to order a termination...order the pregnancy destroyed...that was the only course of action he could condone! _

_What should she do next? The question seared across her mind...what should she do next? _

Taking some deep breathes to calm herself she knew what she was going to do...nothing!

Absolutely nothing!

She needed time to let things sink in. She needed a day...maybe two to adjust to the situation and then she would deal with the matter.

* * *

><p><em>The Loss – Part 1 <em>


	2. Chapter 2

**The Loss – Part 2**

John was in his office when the first report of the asteroid came through to Main Mission. His mind had been on Helena. She'd seemed a little distracted for the last few days and yesterday, she'd been too busy to join him for dinner. Ok, he got that their schedules sometimes meant they weren't always available for each other but then she'd told him not to come by later...because she needed to stay late in Medical. He'd tried to talk to her around midnight when he traced her back to her quarters but her commlock was not accepting calls.

Had he done something to upset her? He didn't think so. Maybe he was being too sensitive. He was behaving more like a school boy instead of a mature adult. They didn't have to spend every night together, did they? It was just that last night he'd missed her next to him in the dark. Missed waking up with her in his arms this morning!

They'd been forced to live with stress and fear pretty much every moment since the Moon had blasted out of Earth's orbit. Life on the moonbase was precarious and tenuous and he guessed that this fragility was the thing that accentuated emotions. His emotions anyway! Whatever the reason, he hadn't expected to, but could not deny the fact that, he'd completely fallen for her. Musing about maybe finding a reason to visit Medical and take her for lunch, his thoughts were dragged back to Alpha when Paul alerted him to the advancing object.

The next few days were crazy! They saw each other when their paths crossed but had no real time to spend with each other as first Balor was rescued, died, then came back to life again! The shock of Max Baxter's death and the Commander's attack left Alpha reeling and the command team struggling to find a way to have some sort of control over their unwanted visitor.

They'd managed a few minutes together late on the first day and he'd held her close. Praying inwardly that he'd be able to keep her safe...keep them all safe, he'd told her that he held himself responsible for the situation they were in. As commander he should have been more cautious...should somehow have been able to protect them from the alien's evil plan.

She seemed a little paler than usual and she had clung onto him not wanting to let him go. He'd sensed her fear and returned her embrace, kissing away a tear that glistened on her lash before moving to her lips and claiming them in a passionate and tender assault that left them both breathless and wanting so much more. Neither knew if they would have tomorrow and the sheer misery of their situation heightened their every emotion. He left her with a security detail guarding Medical and returned to Main Mission.

That was the last time he'd seen her. They'd had a brief conversation via comm link, after Balor had overpowered the guards and strode into Medical using his evil violence to kill one of her staff in a show of power meant to make Helena capitulate. Shocked and terrified for the safety of her staff and patients Helena had made contact with Main Mission...

Inwardly he was furious with himself. He'd thought that the guards would have been enough protection...to find that she'd been so close to danger was scary and although he was angry at the death of the medical orderly he couldn't help but be relieved that Helena hadn't been hurt.

They'd spoken on an open channel and he had been abrupt! There was no time for anything personal. They were Commander and CMO! HHe could read the anger and fear in her eye She calmly relayed what had happened, anger and frustration at her inability to protect her staff evident as she spoke but he could see distress in her eyes too. He ordered her to evacuate the medical unit and report to Main Mission immediately. He wanted her as safe as she could possibly be, until they found a way to overcome Balor!

He'd expected her to be in Main Mission when he got back, waiting for him, but he couldn't immediately see her, as Alphans crowded around to congratulate him. Disappointment clawed at him when he realised that she wasn't there, but he guessed that she'd been needed in Medical.

Here it was again...professional over private!

After initiating a series of protocol checks to make sure that the base was secure he moved to his office and tried her commlock. She wasn't answering. He opened a channel to Medical and Bob Mathias blinked up onto his screen.

'Put me through to Helena, Bob...she's not answering her comm...' He wanted to see her. She was probably busy and wouldn't have time to talk for long but he just wanted to see for himself she was safe.

Mathias was shaking his head, distracted as he gave orders that would get his unit back on its feet. 'Sorry Commander...Helena? She's not here! I thought she was still in Main Mission.'

'She hasn't been back to Medical?' John was confused. Where was she?

'No Commander. We spoke awhile ago. She told me to start moving patients back and I haven't heard from her since.'

As Bob's words were sinking in John was filled with awareness that something was wrong. It was so unlike Helena. He'd thought it strange that she wasn't around when he'd got back to Main Mission. He'd been expecting her there, demanding he report to medical for a complete check-up. Balor had given him quite a beating and although he knew he'd sustained no serious damage he would be in pain for a good few days to come.

'Ok Bob, get back to it!' He cut the link to medical and jabbed at a button on his desk, bringing Victor up on his screen.

Again, no luck! Victor said she'd been in Main Mission with him as Balor had been sucked out. He'd heard her giving orders to Mathias and assumed she'd returned to Medical.

'Kano...run a trace on Doctors Russell's commlock for me! ' John barked out the order, worry making him impatient.

'Yes sir...' Kano immediately began punching instructions into Computer. He ripped a small strip of paper from the wall unit and made his way up the steps to the Commanders office...

The trace had shown that she was in her quarters. John tried her commlock again but still he got no response. Nothing about this seemed right. It was so unlike Helena to just disappear, especially after the base had endured such chaos. It just didn't make sense!

Refusing to panic and not wanting to look too obvious he ran through some data with Paul and Kano and then, after studying some printouts for what he considered to be more than enough time, made an excuse about wanting to go check on base damage before striding purposefully from Main Mission.

He didn't fool anyone. Sandra had picked up on his worry and both Paul and Kano knew where he was heading. They exchanged knowing looks before getting back to work.

She didn't answer when he pressed the call button and once again he tried her commlock. No response.

Losing what little patience he had, he barked orders into his commlock, instructing Computer to override her door lock.

Lit only by starlight her quarters were dim. 'Helena...' he called her name quietly but there was no answer. Drawn to the light from the bathroom, he crossed toward the room and again called her name. Nothing but the muted sounds of Alpha and the hum of her computer console.

A prickle of apprehension made its way up his spine...and then fear clutched at him as he caught sight of her body on the floor surrounded by the dark red, crimson starkness of so much blood.

WHAT THE HELL!

Terror ripped into him! His hands were clumsy as he struggled to use his commlock, fumbled with the buttons, managed to call Bob! He couldn't stop the tremble in his legs, as he fell to the floor beside her or the fear knotting his stomach as he pushed back her silken hair and checked to see if she was breathing. Blood...her blood...sticky and congealed, clung to his uniform as he knelt close to her.

Relief, like a white hot explosion seared and splintered along his limbs sending white searing stabs of pain into his fingers as he gently placed his hand against her throat. There was a weak pulse...she was still alive...thank God...what the hell was happening...hurry Bob...hurry!

He wanted to pull her into his arms but he was aware enough to know he shouldn't move her... didn't want to hurt her...his mind was sluggish with fear and confusion. Why the hell was Bob taking so long?

He took her cold hand in his...knowing she was unconscious but wanting somehow to let her know he was there with her...please stay with me sweetheart...please don't...his mind baulked at finishing the thought...it was too terrible to contemplate...so much blood...BOB...WHERE ARE YOU?

* * *

><p>'Commander, I need you to go get checked out...please.' Bob Mathias roused John Koenig from his thoughts.<p>

'No...I want to...'

Before he could finish Bob cut him off. 'Commander...listen to me!' Mathias felt the whip of anger from his Commanders eyes flash over him but refused to back down. 'Sir, you're a mess! You need to get something for the pain and you need to go shower and change.'

John turned back to the pale figure lying so still on the bed.

'Sir...' Bob tried again. 'She's stable now...she's very weak but she is going to be ok. We've sedated her to allow her body to recover from the surgery. She won't be awake for a good while yet.'

Bob was well aware that his boss and the base commander were involved in a relationship and even if he hadn't been aware of it before today, there was no doubt in his mind now. They didn't broadcast it. He guessed they even thought they were being discreet, but he knew they'd been seeing each other and having witnessed how distraught the commander had been when Bob had arrived at Helena's quarters a few hours ago he realised that there were some very strong feeling involved.

To be fair...the sight that had met him when he'd gotten there with a medical team was pretty scary. She'd been deeply unconscious and had lost a huge amount of blood. Her pulse was weak her, breathing shallow. From the blood soaking her uniform pants Bob immediately diagnosed some sort of gynaecological trauma, suspecting miscarriage but choosing not to voice that diagnosis out loud.

Once she'd been transferred to Medical, Bob had shut down the unit to all but essential personnel, appreciating the delicate nature of the situation. Stripped and attached to monitors his diagnosis had been confirmed but he'd been cautious in what he'd told the commander. The man was obviously deeply worried about Dr Russell, but Bob really wanted a chance to talk things through with Helena first before involving the commander.

Had she known she was pregnant? He had to assume she had. How much did Koenig know about Helena's condition? Something told Bob that he had no idea.

He seemed dazed and was it any wonder? He was obviously on the edge of exhaustion. He'd probably had no real sleep since they'd encountered Balor. Then he's risked his life and been attacked whilst overpowering the alien. The shock of finding Helena must have been enough to drain any last reserves of strength he possessed.

Bob had tried to be deliberately vague as he explained the need for surgery. She was haemorrhaging; she'd lost a lot of blood and was getting weaker by the second. They had to stop the bleeding and they needed to act quickly! His hope that Koenig would be too worried to demand further explanation proved correct, and he'd been able to whisk his patient into surgery, buying himself some time.

The commander had been pacing the medical corridor, clearly worried sick, when Helena was wheeled back to her room at the far end of the Trauma Unit, away from prying eyes. He'd waited as she was hooked up to various monitors and the IV bag controlling her blood transfusion was adjusted. He'd had to look away for a moment when its bright red contents brought back a wave of fear, sending him back to her bathroom and an image he didn't want to remember.

He hadn't moved from her bedside since and she'd been back from surgery now for well over two hours. Bob knew that John didn't want to leave her side but it was also clear that he was in need of medical attention himself. Trying a different tact he continued.

'Please...think of me, Commander. Think how mad she'll be when she wakes up, if she thinks I wasn't able to get you to have your med exam...if she finds out I allowed you to hang around Medical making things look untidy... you know how fierce she can be sometimes!'

The man before him slumped slightly but the humour seemed to work. He gave Bob a wry smile. Pushing his chair wearily away from the bed, he rose and dropped a feather light kiss onto the palm of the hand he had been holding. Leaving a clear order that he be contacted immediately, if there was any change in her condition, John left to have his check-up and get some rest.

* * *

><p>Familiar sounds flitted around the edge of her mind. Teasing her. Familiar sounds, but she didn't know where she was. She tried to open her eyes but the light hurt too much. Her mouth was dry...<p>

She was in a bed...a hospital bed...that was it! She could hear hushed voices, soft footsteps. The hum and blip from machines and monitors. She was in the Medical Centre, but why? She tried to remember but it was too much effort and she drifted back to sleep. The next time she awoke she felt stronger. The dim light over her bed didn't hurt her eyes quite so much. She had more awareness. She moved her fingers and toes...everything seemed ok! Adjusting her position slightly she felt the padding between her legs...for a moment she was confused then everything came rushing back, overwhelming her and sending her monitor screaming out an alert!

Bob came in at a run, gently pushing her back down onto the bed and trying to calm her down. She turned her head away from him as he spoke to her.

Was she in pain? How was she feeling?

She couldn't answer. She was remembering the cold floor and the smell of her own blood. She was remembering the feeling of helplessness and loss...

He gave her some time. Then he spoke to her.

'Helena...you had a miscarriage.'

She barely moved her head in acknowledgement.

Did you know about the pregnancy?'

Again, a slight nod.

'The Commander found you...'

That got her attention. Her eyes swung to Bob's...'John. He knows?' Her voice was barely audible.

'No...not yet! It's ok...calm down. I wanted to talk to you about it first. I didn't know if...if it was...well...I didn't want to assume that...'

Helena could see he was embarrassed and helped him out.

'That it was John's baby...well it was and it wasn't...' her voice cracked wearily.

He waited for her to continue, not wanting to push her.

'I conceived it on Retha...' she turned away from his eyes...'when we weren't really ourselves...but it was his baby...'she took a deep breath to steady her voice. 'I guess my implant didn't work down there...or the mist had some sort of effect...or something...I didn't even remember what happened, not really...until...' the vivid memory of her time on Retha now clearly etched in her mind '...not until I was losing the baby...and then it all came back to me...but Sahn's report...well...it suggested...that we'd...been...intimate...' her voice caught on a sob and she swallowed hard, taking a moment to get herself together.

'Where is he?'

'He was here...'

'Is he ok? I didn't get to see him after Balor...'

'Hey...he's fine. Don't worry about him. Battered and bruised but nothing broken. He didn't want to leave but I insisted...'

'You did?'

'I did...and it wasn't pretty...' he gave her a smile. 'He was worried sick about you but I made him go get some rest. I'm supposed to let him know when you're back with us.'

'Bob...am I ok?'

He understood what she was asking and nodded. 'You are now. But it was touch and go for awhile. You haemorrhaged badly and lost a lot of blood. By the time the commander found you, you were barely with us...if he hadn't gone to look for you...well...' he stopped. She was staring into space. 'You should make a full recover...no permanent damage.' He waited, giving her time to absorb his words. He knew she would want to know everything but now was not the time.

'Helena. Why didn't you call for help?'

She didn't know how to answer him, what to say. The emotions she felt at the time had been so conflicting...helplessness...loss and relief! She bit her lip trying to find the explanation...'I knew it was a miscarriage...I'd been cramping for a few hours...' her voice was a whisper. 'But I thought I could...deal with it...thought that if no-one knew it would be over and I could...well I could forget about it...I didn't realise something was wrong until it was too late...tears clogged her throat and he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

'Hey...get some rest, you're still very weak. I need to go update the commander. You can bet he'll be here straight away, the minute he knows you're awake...is that ok?'

She nodded giving him the faintest of smiles, then, she closed her eyes. He left her to rest, had a quick word with the nurse he'd posted outside Helena's room, then he went to place a comm call to the commander.

* * *

><p>John had not been resting!<p>

He'd accepted some medication to help ease the inflammation and some balm for the bruises that Balor had inflicted but he's flatly refused a drug to help him sleep. He'd taken Bob's advice and had a shower and changed into a fresh uniform and to his credit he did lay down on the couch in his quarters and try to rest but the walls seemed to close in around him and he couldn't stand the feeling of claustrophobia!

He strode through the corridors and headed toward Main Mission, his brooding energy warning anyone who'd considered approaching him to think again!

He sliced the doors to his office closed without a word, a clear sign that he didn't want to be disturbed, leaving those on duty to speculate. That Dr Russell was ill was not a secret. The alert had been relayed through Main Mission. But as yet, no-one knew any details, other than she'd needed surgery and was now stable.

Bob's call interrupted John's pacing...he flung himself across the room and stabbed at the button that would give him a connection through to Medical. The face of the smiling physician appeared on his monitor.

'She's awake, Commander...' He didn't get any further, the screen went blank!

Bob was waiting for him when he arrived in medical.

Helena was sleeping. The blinds at her window had been opened slightly to allow her nurse to watch her and he caught sight of her immediately. She looked so pale against the blue of her hospital bed but the IV had been disconnected and she was no longer attached to the monitors. She didn't look like she was ill, she just looked like she was sleeping. It was a huge relief and even though he didn't realise he'd been holding his breath, he let out a ragged sigh!

'I'm afraid she's drifted back off Commander.' Bob stepped up behind him and explained rather needlessly.

'What happened Bob?' The question hung in the air between the two men. John pulled his eyes away from Helena and directed his gaze at the doctor next to him. 'Tell me!' It was an order!

'Ok...' Bob had been expecting as much. Knowing that the baby had been John's, he could see no reason not to explain things to this man who so clearly needed answers. 'Let's go to Helena's office.'

For a moment the Commander looked like he might argue and then turned and headed down the corridor.

Bob perched himself on the edge of Helena's desk whilst the commander moved to a viewport, refusing to take a seat.

Bob cleared his throat anticipating a difficult conversation. He took a moment and began.

'Commander... Dr Russell...she...that is Helena, she...she suffered a miscarriage.'

Koenig turned in disbelief. 'She...what!' He looked stunned. Of all the terrors that had been chasing through his mind...this had never been one of them!

'Maybe you should take a seat Commander.' Bob suggested. He could tell from John's reaction that he was shocked by the news.

'She was a little over six weeks pregnant.' He let that fact hang in the air before continuing. 'The miscarriage was probably brought on by high levels of stress...it caused severe blood loss, by the time she realised that something was really wrong she was probably too weak to call for help.'

'She knew...?'

'Yes...she knew...we talked about it when...'

John cut him dead.

He stormed out of the room and along the corridor to where she lay sleeping but he couldn't make himself enter. He stopped, watching her through the window and trying to absorb the news he'd just received. Helena had been pregnant!

Had she known?

Bob had said she'd known...but, if she'd known why hadn't she told him? Pregnant, with his child! But how? She had an implant. He remembered their first night together a few days after they'd got back from Retha. Things had started in her office earlier in the day but he managed to keep control. They were both on duty and he wanted it to be better than a rushed quickie, with them both worried about being disturbed. He'd been uncomfortable for the rest of the day...his body not taking kindly to being denied that which it craved! Later alone together, he'd been kissing his way across her body...linking up her fading bruises with his tongue and lips and making her giggle, when he'd thought about protection! _CRASS ERROR JOHN! _

For a minute she had played dumb and told him that he'd have to go and ask Dr Vincent for a supply of condoms...before...putting him out of his misery by smiling serenely at him and telling him that she'd already taken care of things. He'd called her a shameless hussy and she'd responded by showing him just how shameless she could be!

But it hadn't always been so easy between them. She'd been a challenge from the first time they'd met.

She was a strong woman, highly regarded by those who worked closely with her and she exuded a confidence that was inspiring. Confident in her professional life, in private she was different. She was reserved and hard to get to know, but he'd found himself attracted to her physically and that had been a shock. He had no wish to get involved with a close colleague...that just wasn't appropriate given his position, so he'd tried to ignore the effect she had on him which was pretty easy because she didn't appear to like him very much at the beginning!

Breakaway changed everything...

The closer they grew the more she intrigued him. Cool and aloof on the outside, she appeared distant and unapproachable if you didn't know her. But when she let you in...well...it was like the sun coming out from behind a cloud...and he'd never experience anything like it before. Some force had brought them together in the most bizarre of circumstance and he was so grateful. She made his life on Alpha bearable...

They'd taken things slowly, cautious about becoming lovers, but from that night five weeks ago, he'd wondered why they'd waited so long...it felt so right.

Five weeks...what was he missing...five weeks! Bob had said she was over six weeks pregnant! No! That couldn't be right! Blind anger tore through him. It wasn't his child...how could it be his child!

He jerked away from the window, rigid with a fury so overwhelming he was frightened he'd be split apart with its force. A swirling red mist threatened to push him into a place he was terrified to go to...some instinct deep within him screamed out a warning...crying out to be listened to...but still he hurtled towards the void. No! He had to keep control! What was he missing...think dammit...for the love of God John, THINK!

Swirling red mist filled his head...and then he was back on Retha.

_The cave was dark after the bright sunlight. _

_Smoke from the fire stung his eyes as they adjusted to the gloom. _

_Familiar smells reached his nostrils...blood and sweat, stale straw and dank fur. Musty pockets of air where the warmth of the fire did not reach. _

_Dark formless shapes shuffled around in the shadows. Soft grunts and occasional yelps could be heard. _

_He caught her smell as he moved deeper into the cave. She was waiting for him. _

_He felt his body respond to the smell of her arousal, the musky, ripeness of her body calling out to him. _

_He hardened in anticipation..._

_Then a distraction... a strange female..._

_He was the leader..._

_He was the dominant one!_

_She should be his...a fight...snarling followed by yelps of fear. _

_The strange female was his prize...he was the leader...she was his now..._

_...but then a new threat...enraged by the strange female's presence she came at him viciously from the shadows...snarling with fury..._

_He lashed out protecting his prize...he was the leader..._

_...and yet her jealousy roused him...he felt his need grow!_

_He threw his prize towards the back of the cave...away into the shadows...then he turned back to his mate..._

_...she was howling with anger..._

_He approached her warily as she cowered in the corner and cautiously extended his large hand towards her. He glared at her...irritated by her defiance. She whimpered softly, backing away from him. The howling stopped. When she made no move to resist he grabbed at her hair, pulling on it hard to drag her closer to him. _

_Their eyes locked...startling blue and deepest green...and there was recognition. _

_He held her before him...she was a fine mate...sleek and firm...spirited...she was his...and she needed to be punished... holding her in place by her hair he bit into the fleshy part of her breast. She danced in pain...spitting and snarling...but her jerky movements and squeals only served to enhance his arousal._

_His prize was forgotten... _

_Twisting at her hair he pushed her roughly to the ground. _

_Bending her forward until she was before him on all fours, his hand left her hair and fumbled clumsily at her rear... pushing apart her covering...all that stood in his way. _

_Her scent enveloped his senses...the sight of her wetness drove him wild. His engorged shaft twitched eagerly...moving into place he thrust into her hard...her initial scream giving way to gentle mewing sounds as he used her body to ease his instinctive need. _

_She bucked beneath him...fighting his possession and further inciting his passion..._

_She was a handful..._

_The harsh slap of their bodies intensified. His grunts joined her cries and the sound echoed off the walls of the cave as the tempo increased. _

_He grabbed her hair again, yanking her head back...making her snarl as he arched her body to increase his pleasure. Her breasts pushed out before her allowing him to view the way they bounced up and down with each movement he made. His other hand bite into the flesh of her hip, holding her in place as he rode her to his fulfilment!_

_On and on and on...he pounded towards his climax...his final thrusts making her cry out, as his white hot seed exploded deep within her. _

_He held her in position for a while longer enjoying the tight heat she provided...then he pulled out of her and pushed her aside. _

_She had done her job!_

_She was his to use as he wished..._

_She was his mate..._

_She was his woman..._

The memory had blazed back into his consciousness so suddenly, and it was so overwhelming, that he'd forgotten where he was. Suddenly he became aware of her eyes on him. She was awake and watching him through the glass. Their eyes locked for the longest moment...shadowed green and clouded blue...

But he couldn't go to her.

He was still too raw...

He turned and walked away!

Bob watched as the commander left Medical.

* * *

><p><em>The Loss – Part 2 <em>


	3. Chapter 3

**The Loss – Part 3**

How did you know when you had healed? Shouldn't she know the answer? She was a doctor. She should know. The bruises and cuts from Retha were long gone. The weakness and bleeding from the miscarriage had passed. Her body had healed. Physically she was fine, but inside she was a mess, her feelings were still raw...almost too painful to explore. Emotionally she hadn't healed...she wondered if she ever would.

She was due with Bob in a few minutes. He felt she'd needed some counselling...space to work things through and come to terms with what had happened on Retha and afterwards.

_Would she ever..._

Of course she'd argued with him initially. _She was ok. There was nothing to talk about. She was too busy, seriously he knew her schedule._ But he refused to accept any of her excuses; she was his patient and as such, needed to follow his advice, so he'd scheduled a 'meeting' between them every couple of days. Of course they weren't officially logged as counselling sessions...there was enough talk about her around base already, without adding more fuel to the fire, but they sat together and she tried to talk and he listened.

And it was hard at the beginning, talking about such personal things with Bob. His specialty in psychiatry had thrust him into the role of physician in charge of the mental and emotional needs of those on Alpha and in that capacity he was well placed to help Helena and yet opening herself up to him, in his role as her counsellor, had been strange. Having to confide in her deputy, someone she had to work closely with, give orders to...someone who she needed to respect her, was difficult and totally out of character for her. Discussing personal and intimate things with him had been uncomfortable at first but his reassuring manner and his 'matter of fact' approach had eased her embarrassment. They'd used Sahn's report to analyse what had happened. She hadn't mentioned anything about the vivid memories she now had of her time on Retha...she hadn't even discussed that with John yet...

S_he hadn't discussed much of anything with John at all...she didn't know how to let him in...but that was another matter..._

Bob believed as she did, that the mist had neutralised the effectiveness of her implant and her 'mating' with John..._that was how she thought of it in her head...Bob hadn't used that phrase..._had resulted in the pregnancy. The surgery to stop the haemorrhaging has been successful. The miscarriage had been incomplete and Bob had needed to remove the remains of the fetus. No abnormalities had shown up and he assured her...it had been a normal, healthy pregnancy. The miscarriage could have been caused by any number factors including the high levels of stress she was under...the implant hormones in her system...life in deep space...her age..._was time running out for her?_ They would never know the true cause, but she was healthy and he assured her that there was no reason she should not have a successful pregnancy in the future.

Sometimes, as they talked she was amazed that they were discussing her. Helena Russell, CMO of Moonbase Alpha. How could they be talking about unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage! It was surreal. This was the sort of thing that happened to other people...not her! She was normally on the other side of the table, giving out the explanations and advice, offering support and reassurance; she didn't like being the patient. Rarely did she allow anyone to see beyond the professional facade she portrayed and that was how she liked it. That was why she'd built up the wall in the first place. But she was fast learning that things were different now. Since breakaway the edges of professional and private lives had begun to blur...she guessed it was inevitable. Limited people in a limited environment meant that there was no getting away from your colleagues or your friends...they were one and the same. On Alpha now, there was no one who didn't know you. Nowhere to be truly alone, nowhere to hide! Professional lives and personal lives had merged. This had been her main worry when she'd fallen in love with John, unsure whether it was wise to allow herself to have a relationship with the base commander. Now, after all that had happened recently, she wasn't sure it had been a sensible thing at all. Maybe she should have kept him at a distance and not allowed herself to give in to her feelings...it was all such a mess.

Her commlock broke the silence in her office...broke into her thoughts..._she was doing it again_...she shook herself...she'd been lost in thought, something that was happening a lot lately. One minute she was working on paperwork, analysing data, reading a report, and the suddenly she'd lost all track of time. She had to try and keep focused, keep her mind on her work. She picked up the unit from her desk. It was Bob. She was late. Pushing her chair back she quickly tidied her desk and allowed him in.

The last few weeks had been tough on Alpha's CMO. Bob knew that. Firstly there had been Retha and then the damned report and then the gossip. Its contents had been wildly discussed in hushed tones all over Alpha...he remembered a quote from Barry..._'The most powerful force in the universe is gossip'. _Well that was true here on Alpha where gossip had become a sort of release valve. The limits of everyday life existed mostly within the confines of the base and gossip had become a form of entertainment for the masses. The Commander and Dr Russell had taken on leading roles and their every move was watched and devoured with interest. Juicy details of their private life were a wonderful pastime for people with little else to focus on and made light relief from worry about the future. So there had been the barrage of gossip to contend along with a surprise pregnancy and all the emotional and hormonal issues that came from that. Dealing with all of this alone, her experience with Balor himself, and then the resultant drama, with John nearly getting killed had taken its toll. She'd recovered from the physical trauma of the miscarriage well, but he knew there were a lot of emotional issues she was yet to face properly. She was a strong woman. He appreciated how difficult it was for her to open up to him and they were making some progress but he knew there was a long way to go. He sensed in her, a fragility that hadn't been there before. She was a mass of wounded emotion that needed to be vented or else she would never fully heal but she had erected barriers and they were hard to break down. He knew the commander was worried about her. Unknown to Helena, he was under strict orders to keep a watchful eye on her. To most people she had been ill, had undergone surgery, had made a full recovery and was back to normal. Only Bob, John and a few select members of the medical team knew the full story.

Their session ended with little progress. He'd asked her questions about her relationship with the commander but she wouldn't talk about John or how things were between them...she wouldn't open up about anything other than the medical facts relating to her ordeal. He knew she was in there hurting but she wasn't ready to face her emotions openly yet. She needed time.

* * *

><p>Later, via a private comm link, he updated the commander.<p>

In his office John listened to Mathias's report with concern. He blamed himself for the whole situation. His loss of control on Retha! His stupidity in releasing Balor from the asteroid! It was his fault. And then to make matters worse he'd walked away from her that night in medical. _What a dumb ass._ He should have gone to her and comforted her but he'd been a fool. He'd been angry with himself for doubting her, shocked by his behaviour on Retha and furious that his actions had put Helena into danger. He'd needed time to get himself under control but it had been the wrong thing to do...he could see that now. She must have presumed his anger was directed at her. He'd seen the hurt in her eyes but he'd been too mad to rationalise his actions even as he'd stormed away. Later when he'd calmed down he'd gone straight back to medical but Bob had stopped him from going in to see her. The blinds were closed. She didn't want to see anyone. He'd cursed and shouted at Mathias but the doctor refused to back down. Furious but understanding he'd respected her privacy and gone to her office where he slept on her couch, not wanting to be far from her that night.

The next morning she had allowed him in, but she'd retreated behind a wall and he couldn't reach her. He felt her stiffen as he took her cold hand in his. He'd tried to explain but nothing had come out right and he knew he was making one hell of a mess of things. When she turned her head away from him pointedly he gave up and, leaving her to rest, he'd returned to Main Mission unaware of the stares he was attracting. People wanted to know what was going on. A couple of hours later Mathias informed him that he'd released Helena from medical and she was resting in her quarters.

He immediately gone to her and she'd let him in. She was pale and sad and he hadn't been able to help himself. He'd moved close and drawn her into his arms. She was cold and rigid but as he held her she softened and melted into him. He just held her for the longest time. There were no words. He cradled her head against his chest gently stroking her hair and he waited. He didn't want to say or do the wrong thing...didn't want to spoil the moment. _God...how could this woman have come to mean so much to him? _He dropped a kiss onto her head as he felt her begin to draw away. Their eyes met...wounded green and worried blue. He was about to speak, he needed to explain, but she stopped him.

"Please don't..." she took a steadying breath and pushed away from him. "I can't talk about it yet. Ok? It's too soon." Although they were softly spoken there was no mistaking the forcefulness of the words. She put some distance between them.

"Helena we've got to..."

"No we don't. I appreciate that you came by but..."

He cut her off. "You appreciate that I came by...for god's sake Helena...we have to talk about what happened." It was like talking to a stranger.

"I can't...not yet..."

"Come on please...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..."he just wanted to hold her, to make it all better. He moved to her and tried to pull her into his arms but she froze. As her eyes filled with tears he couldn't stop his hand from reaching out to caress her cheek, but she jerked away from his touch. "Honey...please don't do this..."

"Just go John. I'm tired. I need to rest. Please just go." She moved away again and turned her back on him. He could see that in her present mood he was going to get nowhere, she obviously wasn't ready to talk. He was left with no option but to do as she asked and leave.

* * *

><p>And that was that. Life on Alpha had settled back into its normal 'empty space' routine. Days were filled with routine maintenance and projects devised to improve day to day survival on the base. Emergency drills were practised frequently and activities planned by department Heads, to help ease the monotony of their existence, as the errant Moon continued on its journey.<p>

Life continued, but nothing was the same for him. It had been weeks now and she was no nearer opening up to him. She wasn't the same person and that changed everything. She was back to work and as CMO she was her usual cool and efficient self. She attended command conferences, made small talk and even laughed along with everyone else at some of Alan's awful jokes but her smile didn't reach her eyes. They saw each other every day as their roles dictated but she treated him as her commanding officer...nothing more. She'd spent a few evenings with Victor..._what did they talk about_...and she was back at the gym, so he guessed most people wouldn't notice anything amiss. But they didn't know her like he did. She'd been his lover...they had been close but now she'd shut herself away and he couldn't reach her. She would talk to him professionally and if he kept things light it was ok but if he tried to talk to her about anything too personal...about them...she would just look straight through him. She'd shied away from spending any time alone with him since that first day after her release from Medical and it was tearing him apart. That was the last time he'd touched her. Bob kept saying that she just needed time to come to terms with what had happened, but it didn't feel right to him. He felt like he was losing her bit by bit, day by day, and it scared the hell out of him.

Not long after Bob had closed the comm link another call came in, jarring him out of his reverie. It was Paul, with a request from a technician. He wanted to talk with the commander. John wasn't in the mood to be troubled with minor issues. Ordering Paul to deal with whatever it was he wanted he jabbed viciously at the button to close the link...and though no more of it. He was tense and he needed a release. Leaving his office through the back door he headed towards the recreational section of Alpha and the gym. A workout might just help.

He'd arrived during the middle of a main shift so the gym had been relatively quiet. He guessed his mood could be easily judged because no-one seemed the least bit tempted to disturb him. Throwing himself into a vigorous workout he lost track of time. Running on the treadmill, chasing his demons, he sensed someone approach. Looking up he caught eyes with Luke Ferro who gestured towards the Kendo equipment. Shaking the sweat from his eyes John nodded his head. They were regularly kendo partners and a sparring session might just do the trick and ease the tension that had been building up since his update from Mathias earlier in the day.

Soon the sporadic striking together of bamboo swords filled the air as both men moved around the floor in mock battle, deep in concentration. Engrossed in the moment John was caught completely off guard as a figure lunged toward him and threw a punch. _What the hell..._ With a lightening reflex he managed to deflect the entire force of the blow but not before it gave him a good whack to his temple, splitting the skin above his eye. Feeling the world tilt for a second he struggled to catch his balance and then steadying himself he turned to see Luke forcibly restraining his assailant, who was flailing and swearing and snarling with rage.

"You son of a bitch...I'm gonna..." he tried to lunge at John again, his eyes blazing with anger. Luke kept his grip. "You're not fit to be Commander...you...you..."his garbled rant continued.

John cut him off dead, his temper barely held in control. "Shut-up! I don't know what's got into you but...you...stop...now! Understood?"

"Or what...? What'll you do...Commander?" He said with a sneer, swearing and struggling against Ferro's hold.

"I said that's enough." John's voice rose with his impatience. "Do you hear me? No more. That's an order!" He wiped at his eye smearing away the blood that was blurring his vision. What the hell was going on?

"An order is it...Commander...you and your fucking orders..." Luke held on tightly to the man who was now swaying dangerously on his feet in a state of near collapse.

Someone had called Security and the guards burst into the gym. Ed Lowe, a technician from Engineering, who was normally a rational sort of guy, was handed over into their care. He was drunk, that much was obvious, and now the adrenalin had stopped pumping through his body, he was a dead weight.

"Commander..." Stanwick waited for an order.

Grabbing at a towel John wearily wiped at the blood on his face and turned to the guard. "Let him sleep it off tonight." They were going to find out nothing of worth tonight, the guy was obviously drunk as a skunk. "Take him away...I'll deal with it tomorrow."

Turning away from the small crowd that had gathered John sat down on a bench, resting his head in his hands_...the day just got better and better..._

"Better get that seen to." Luke was putting the kendo equipment away.

John nodded, left an interested group behind him and headed toward Medical.

* * *

><p>There was a constant battle raging inside. Sometimes she didn't know if she could take another moment of the torture. Was she going mad? Is this how it happened? Is this what 'madness' was? Were you trapped inside yourself...not able to get out! Lost and unable to communicate, so sad...so alone! Fractured and disassociated from those around you...disparate things going round and round in your mind, making you dizzy as you tried to keep a grip on sanity. Conflicting emotions warring with each other threatening to burst free and shatter reality. Was this madness?<p>

She was frightened.

As a doctor she could understand what was happening to her, she knew about the emotional effects of miscarriage, the associated grief that she would have to deal with and she'd been prepared for it. Outwardly she was a strong, tough woman; it's what her position on Alpha demanded. Very rarely did anyone get to see the 'real' Helena. Since losing Lee she'd erected a tough shell around her feelings, a sort of protection mechanism to stop herself from being hurt again. It was easier to let people think of her as cool and aloof than open herself and risk feelings she didn't want to have to deal with. Then she had met John Koenig, Alpha's new Commander and her carefully constructed shell had started to crumble. It had taken falling in love with him to break the barrier down and for a few short weeks it had been wonderful. Feeling loved, feeling special...feeling safe. But it wasn't to be. Somehow loving this man had brought her to this awful place and even withdrawing into herself again, wasn't helping. The severity of the onslaught was threatening to overwhelm her and she was scared and she knew that she had to do something before she broke completely.

She would look at herself in the mirror in panic, sure her face would be twisted and contorted with emotion, but her reflection was the same as always. Blond hair, green eyes, composed features almost serene. It was a shock every time, a moment of clarity in an otherwise confused world. Outwardly, everything was normal and yet inside she was struggling and she couldn't believe it didn't show. Couldn't believe that no-one had noticed. Well two people had.

She knew that Bob was worried about her, the counselling sessions had not been going well...and it was her fault completely. He knew that she was struggling and he was doing his best to help but she wouldn't let him. And John knew of course he knew...how could he not know? Every time they were together his eyes openly pleaded with her..._please honey...please...we can work this out..._ She could see what she was doing to him, how her behaviour was hurting him and it made her heart ache all the more. When she allowed herself to remember the way it felt as his arms closed around her protectively just a few weeks ago she was almost gave in to the temptation to go to him and plead with him to help her...but she couldn't. Not yet. He was too caught up in what was happening inside her. He was part of the cause and until she could rationalise her feelings to herself she couldn't explain things to him. And so the gulf between them grew as each day passed. She tried to keep away from him as much as possible but the base was only so big and their roles meant they had to meet regularly and when they were forced to spend time together she knew they were both suffering.

The last hour had been difficult for them both. She'd felt his whole body tight with tension when she begun cleaning up his cut. It was like travelling back in time...to just before breakaway when he'd been idiotic enough to go out in an Eagle and nearly got himself killed. They had been awkward around each other then too, the same feeling but for totally different reasons.

When he'd arrived in Medical, he'd been shown straight into a treatment room. The nurse on triage duty would normally have dealt with such a basic injury herself, but because it was the commander who needed attention, the CMO had been notified. Her team were very subtle but she knew his rank had nothing to do with real reason she'd been called. She's left her office knowing that her staff thought they were doing the right thing and having no good excuse to hand him back to the nurse, she was forced to treat him herself. As she'd cleaned away the blood from the deep cut, applied antiseptic and suture strips, she'd been a mass of nerves. Were her hands really shaking? He was trying to make it as easy as he could for her...talking about the gym, explaining about the drunken technician and she was thankful for his sensitivity but his closeness was intoxicating. She wanted to run her fingers through his hair, stroke his cheek, breath in the familiar scent of his skin. Kiss him, hold him and never let him go, but then mingled in with all of those desires was irritation and something much stronger... and she remembered how angry she was with him...and the madness took over again! Could you love and hate someone at the same time? She wanted his comfort, she wanted to go back to the way it had been, but she was so angry with him. She needed to lash out and hurt him. She ached for his touch and yet she didn't want him near her. It was so complicated. She'd thought she'd just needed time, but as time went by, it got harder and harder to be near him and she didn't know how to put it right anymore.

* * *

><p>The next morning John had quite a headache. The blow to his head followed by a sleepless night worrying about Helena meant he wasn't in the best of moods. Last night she'd been so cold towards him in Medical. It was like the old days, and he didn't like it. He knew she was having a hard time but he didn't know how he could help her, if she wouldn't let him near her. He wasn't the most patient of men and he was starting to get frustrated by her attitude. Sometimes he wanted to shake her...yell at her...force some sort of reaction from her. He knew she was hurting and he understood that she needed time...but he also knew she was shutting him out and that couldn't be good. They needed to talk through the things that had happened not ignore them. Maybe he'd given her too much 'time'. Mathias had warned him not to rush things but perhaps he was going to have to push her a little.<p>

The control centre of the base was busy as he made his way to his office. Members of the command team had already started to gather for the mornings command conference. Helena was already seated and reading through some paperwork. They caught eyes and she looked away. She was looking pale. Grabbing a coffee he greeted his staff, fielded some humorous comments about his eye and began the meeting. There wasn't a lot to discuss...just brief updates on each department, some technical issues relating to Life Support. Helena had been watching him as they talked and she could see that he was in pain.

"John, have you taken anything for you headache?"

He was rubbing distractedly at his temple as he chatted to Alan about an Eagle engine problem and he turned at her voice. "No...I meant to get some aspirin..."

She pushed back her chair and made her way across his office to his small cloakroom, opening a cabinet and shaking two pills into her hand. Pouring some water from a jug on the conference table she held out her hand to him. Still talking with Alan he reached out took the medication she offered. Their hands touched and a spark of energy sizzled between them. Alan was forgotten as their eyes met. _Seriously these two needed their heads knocking together_...Alan didn't have a clue what had happened between them but it was obvious that they were going through hell over something. He only wished that they could sort it out. He didn't have a lot to do with Helena but he knew John was having a hard time.

A disturbance in Main Mission interrupted them. Raised voices could be heard and quickly swallowing the pills with a large gulp of water John jabbed at the button to open the office doors.

A small group of Alphans were standing close to Kano, they fell silent as the large door panel slide back.

"Commander, I told them you were in a meeting."

"It's ok Kano." John stood at the top of the steps raised above the room with the rest of the command team still in his office. "What's all this about?" He was aware of a tension in the air. Helena and Alan were just behind him, Sandra and Paul had been chatting with Victor.

A clamour of voices filled the silence and then one voice made itself heard above the commotion.

She moved to the front of the group. "We want to know what's going to happen to Ed?"

"Ed?" For a second John was confused.

"Ed Lowe. You don't even know who I'm talking about!" Her voice rose in anger. "He's just another little alphan that you can order about...is that it? You people up her in this place," she waved her arm around expressively "...giving us orders...expecting us to just do as we're told like good little kids."

Paul recognised the woman as part of a technical team he'd worked with recently. "Tina maybe you should calm down and..." Spurred on by her outburst other voices joined the melee.

"We've had enough...shit frikking work schedules, duty rosters! All for what?"

"Making all the decisions...playing God!"

"No chance of a real life!"

"You think we don't know how it is with you?"

"That's enough!" John silenced the group. He moved down the steps as he was talking. "What the hell's this all about?"

Tina repeated her question. "You think we don't know how it is with you?" She was flushed and upset.

John's eyes narrowed. "Explain!" It was an order. People who worked closely with John Koenig knew how to judge his mood, knew when to keep well away. None of the main mission operatives would have dared to continue, they knew he was furious.

"I said, you don't think we know how it is here...in the 'control room' of frikking Alpha." Her words were full of loathing and contempt. You all sit around making up stupid godforsaken rules...You give your bloody orders ... you say 'jump' and we're supposed to say 'yes sir...how high?' We're all supposed to be so frikking grateful for being alive, for being stuck on this rock, for being part of 'team Alpha'!"

"Look I don't know what's brought this on but you get your say. That's what the weekly..."

She cut him off. "Do you really give a damn about us...the minions?"

"This is ridiculous...there are proper channels if you've got..."

"We tried! Well Ed tried. He came to see you the yesterday. He wanted to talk to you but apparently you were too busy...!"

"He could have made an appointment..."

She sneered. "An appointment with the Commander...well yeah he did try, but you were too busy! So do you know what he did? He went and drowned himself in what was left of his scotch...then he came to see you again but...where were you? Oh yes...that's right...you were in the frikking gym...you were too busy to have a talk to Ed but you were able to find time to go to the bloody gym!"

Ed Lowe! She was talking about the guy from last night. John was confused. What was all this about? He knew the medical team were concerned about the rising level of depression on the base. With Earth gone and an uncertain future ahead some were finding it hard to adjust. He'd taken his eye off the ball. If he'd made the time to talk to Ed yesterday instead of being caught up with his problems with Helena, his head wouldn't be feeling like it was about to split open and this outburst could probably have been saved.

"Ok...let's start again. What is this all about? What do you want?" he tried to hold his temper in check and be placating but she was having none of it.

"What do we want...now you ask us what we want? We don't want to be here...we want our lives back! That's what we want! But that's not gonna happen is it! We want to get off this bloody rock. We want our freedom! Why haven't any of the planets been good enough? How do we know what you tell us is true?"

At that point Dr Mathias arrived. Helena had sent a comm message to him. The woman's behaviour had seemed less than rational and she'd wanted him there to give his opinion. Other Alphans who'd been in sections close to main mission had been drawn toward the drama too.

Alan had had enough of listening to this woman's crap. "Are you saying we lie to you?"

"Now...now...surely there's no need for any of this." Victor moved forward. "We're all in this together. It might seem as if there's no hope sometimes but..."

Other voices joined in. "What was wrong with Ultima Thule?"

"...What about Piri? We were happy there."

"And Retha...what was wrong there...why couldn't..."

"Retha was dangerous...we had no way of isolating ourselves from the mist..." Helena began.

It was like a red rag to a bull! Tina's head snapped around to where Helena stood at the top of the stairs. "Ah...so now you join in...you manipulating bitch..." the words exploded from her lips in a hiss.

Helena looked confused.

"What the hell is this all about?" John took a step towards the woman but Victor laid a restraining hand his arm. "Keep calm John..." he murmured to his friend.

"Retha was dangerous...was it?" The look in Tina's eyes was mean. "Then how come you and the commander had such fun down there?"

As she asked the question a frisson of shock reverberated around the room.

For a split second there was silence and then embarrassed murmurs and gasps couldn't be contained.

Of course there had been speculation about what had happened on Retha. It helped pass a boring duty shift if there was some juicy gossip to discuss...and the commander's relationship with Helena Russell definitely counted as juicy. It was up there at the top of the list. No-one knew for sure if they were actually a couple but there had been lot of speculation buzzing around the base about them for ages. Darkly attractive in a moody sort of way, powerful and unobtainable, John Koenig was considered a catch by many women on Alpha. It had been a sad day when his name had been linked with the CMO and it had caused quite a stir. Ok, she was attractive, silvery blond and tall, with a figure that many a man could appreciate, but she was also detached and remote, a cold ice queen. What did he see in her? There couldn't be anything going on between them. Surely not! Some people loved the idea of a secret romance between their commander and the Dr Russell...they made such a lovely couple. Others were jealous and resented it. Their every move was closely watched and the gossip was relentless. For most people it was fun and for a minority it was malicious.

When the Retha report had been released it only added to the speculation. _What was it really saying...had they actually...had sex...in that cave...with an audience? Oh I wish I'd seen that! Had Helena Russell really been driven wild with jealousy? Is that what the report was saying? Why couldn't someone remember something? Anything! _

The mention of Retha had got everyone's attention. Although no-one would have admitted it, most were agog... and wanted to hear more.

All eyes swung to Dr Russell.

"No-one had any fun." Outwardly Helena appeared composed. "In fact, people were nearly killed down there...this was all in the report..."

"Ah yes...the report. A report that you helped compile...a report that really tells us nothing. Something isn't right here...what did you leave out?"

"The report was written from my recollection of the events on the planet surface, " Sandra's voice came from the platform of commander's office where she'd moved close to Helena. She hadn't intended to get involved but she couldn't stand by and not help. "Every word in the report is truthful and correct. It is my belief that the Commander and Doctor Russell have very little recollection of what took place when they were caught in the mist. This is the same of everyone who was affected. Believe me our time on the planet was not fun."

John suddenly had an idea where this whole tirade was going. He pushed against Victors arm..."Victor we have to stop her..."

"What's wrong with you all?" Tina looked around at the shocked, hostile faces. "Can't you see how they lie to us? How they make up stupid rules for everything. Ask her...go on ask her what really happened when they were on Retha...ask her about what happened when they got back. Ask her about how she's been manipulating the commander to get her own way! Ask her about the pregnancy!"

"That's enough!" John's voice was shaking with fury. How the hell had she found out...not that there was anything to hide but it had nothing to do with anyone else. "This is a private matter...it does not concern anyone else but the people involved."

"I think it does Commander...it concerns us all." Tina was crying now. "You dictate to us how we can live our lives on this base...you call all the shots...we get frikking lectures about implants and contraception and how the life support system won't be able to cope with babies and then you and your...floozy...well you break all the rules. Tell them...go on tell them!"

With a glance at Helena, Dr Mathias approached the distraught woman and began talking softly to her.

"Well now...maybe this is best..." Victor began to talk.

Alan joined in. "Show's over folks...time to get back to work!"

Helena was shocked. She didn't want to face this...not here...not like this...she was too raw to be so exposed but she couldn't run away...she'd done nothing wrong and if she left John to deal it would only cause more 'talk'. This was what she'd dreaded happening, her relationship with John, undermining his authority as commander. She'd feared that people would resent her and assume he'd show her favouritism and that was exactly what Tina was accusing them of. Helena knew she had a choice to make. The atmosphere was charged, as eyes flew back and forth between the Commander and CMO. Victor and Alan were trying their best to draw attention away from them, protect them, but she knew it wasn't going to go away. After Tina's accusations the whole base needed to know what had happened to prevent misinformation from being spread around and more harm being done to John's leadership.

She stepped forward and all eyes turned to her. John began to move towards her but she stopped him with a shake of her head. She wanted there to be a distance between. She didn't want them to be seen openly as a 'couple'...enough damage had already been done to his position.

"Tina...it didn't happen like that." She spoke with quiet authority, and she had everyone's attention. "It's true that the report didn't give full details, but there was no sinister reason for that...it was just...well... to spare our blushes I guess." A few people laughed nervously. " Things happened...the mist...it made things happen...made us all somehow revert back to well...more primitive versions of our real selves...and..."

"Helena, you don't have to do this...it's a private matter..." John wanted to protect her but she knew it was important to explain how it had been. His eyes caught hers and held for a moment.

"Yes I do...Commander...they need to understand." She gave him a faint smile of reassurance and continued. "The Commander and I had sexual intercourse while we were on Retha..." this time the gasps were louder. "We had no recollection of what happened to us and I'm sure you can see why this wasn't made public knowledge...it's quite a personal thing and we weren't in control of ourselves...nobody on the planet was. It would have ended there except for the fact that the contraceptive implants that we use here on Alpha were somehow ineffective on Retha. You can imagine my shock when...I found..." her voice faltered slightly. She took a moment to gather herself. How could she explain this to them? She looked around at the waiting faces below her, all caught up in the drama, hanging on her every word. She knew that she had to carry on... she had to do her best to extricate John from what was happening. "The Commander knew nothing about my pregnancy. No-one knew about it."

"Helena dear..." Victor came towards her. "I'm sure..."

"It's ok Victor." She smiled at him with genuine warmth. "There's not much else to tell really. I was pregnant, with the commander's baby, from an encounter on Retha that neither of us remembered. I was going to terminate the pregnancy..."

Tina came to life again. "You were going to keep the baby...we all know you're a cold hearted bitch but do you seriously expect us to believe that you'd have terminated your own pregnancy! You were going to use the hold you have over him to persuade him to let you keep the baby."

This time the voices were raised against the angry woman.

"Shut up..."

"Let her explain!"

Haven't you done enough damage!"

"I had no intention of manipulating the Commander. I was going to terminate the pregnancy but then I lost it anyway." She caught her breath and took a moment before continuing. "It was not as if either of us even wanted the baby..." _oh I did John...I wanted it so much...and I knew it wasn't possible...but I had your baby inside of me...a part of you...and I wanted it very much..._ "We didn't even remember its conception. Commander Koenig would never allow any personal feelings he has for anyone, and I am not saying he has any for me...but he would not allow personal feelings to come before the good of Alpha." She was feeling stronger now...the worst was over. "You've all seen the way he commands this base, how he's done everything in his power to make this situation work...how he's even risked his own life to protect us since breakaway. How you could imagine he'd allow a baby to be born...even if it was his own child. That would go against orders and endanger our survival. If you respect John Koenig at all, then you'll realise that what Tina's accusation is simply not true."

There was a ripple of movement in the gathered crowd, muttered words of agreement. The mood had changed. Gone was the sense of anticipation and the thrill of excitement. People were feeling a little sheepish and embarrassed by their behaviour. The gossip had been fun and entertaining but it had obviously gone too far. Surely everyone was entitled to a little privacy. God knows they were all forced to live in each other's pockets. She shouldn't have had to explain such private things. What had happened to respect? Victor came forward and patted her arm, Sandra smiled. Helena hoped she'd done enough.

"Now I think we don't need to spend any more time here...I'm sure the commander will verify what I've told you, will be able to explain anything else you feel you need to know. Excuse me." She turned with as much composure as she could, collected her files from the conference table and exited through the back door of the commander's office.

She'd made her way to Medical in a daze. However much she wanted to run and hide she knew she needed to keep acting as if nothing was wrong, keep calm and look confident. She went straight to her office and closed out the world. She needed time to think.

* * *

><p>The noise in Main Mission rose as people started talking all at once. Dr Mathias looked to the commander for direction. Tina was sobbing and muttering about a conspiracy.<p>

"Take her to Medical Bob..." John ordered. "Try to keep her away from Helena until I get there...ok?"

Bob nodded and guided the distraught woman away.

The show was over. Paul and Sandra moved to their desks and made a show of looking busy. Main Mission operatives turned to resume their duties and the gathered crowd started to melt away. Telling people he would make an announcement later, John climbed the steps to his office slowly. Victor and Alan exchanged worried looks and Victor followed him, just managing to step across the threshold before the doors slide shut behind him. John had crossed to the viewport and was staring out at the blackness.

"John..."

"Victor, I can't talk now...I need to go to Helena..."

"Yes I suppose you do. We...I had no idea..."

"No one did...it was private!"

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Keep an eye on things here for awhile...if you would. I have to go and talk to her." His expression was unreadable.

Victor nodded with understanding. "Go to her John. I've got some equations I can work through with Kano. Go."

John left his office at a near run.

* * *

><p>It had been easy to follow the commander's orders. When he'd got back to Medical with his patient, Helena had been in her office, the door firmly closed. He didn't want either woman to have any more upset and after listening to Tina, as they'd made their way to Medical, he didn't think she was going to cause any more problems, but he didn't want to run the risk. He settled Tina in an observation cubicle. She was very overwrought and his diagnosis of clinical depression was on the mark, he was sure. Depression could make normally rational people react in 'out of character' ways. From what he'd been able to find out so far, she was deeply upset about being trapped on Alpha and had decided to live in a fantasy world where Breakaway had never happened. Pretence that all was normal worked up to a point but the implications of being 'lost' meant that certain things had needed to change. Strict birth control was one of the things that had upset Tina. She'd had many rows with her boyfriend Ed, who was a devoted follower of John Koenig. In Ed's eyes the commander could 'do no wrong' and despite Tina's desperate need to have children and despite her constant pleas for him to stand up to the commander and demand that they be able to have free choice in the matter, he refused to do so. Their relationship had been suffering because of this and then when one of their friends found out about the CMOs pregnancy after working on some classified computer files, all hell had broken loose between them. She'd become wildly irrational after finding out Helena's 'secret' and had threatened to break off their relationship unless Ed confronted the commander and demanded to know why Helena Russell was so different. Why she should be given special treatment just because she was sleeping with the Commander! The accumulation of stress and worry since breakaway and constant goading from Tina about stupid rules and regulations finally spilled over in Ed, when he found that his much respected commanding officer was capable of deceit. It pushed Ed over the edge. Frustration at not being able to speak to Koenig had made him angry and he'd taken that anger out on John physically. Between sobs of self pity Tina had told Bob the whole story and he'd listened patiently as she railed against breakaway and authority and everything else she blamed for her misery. She needed rest and understanding and medication. No-one could make life any better for her but hopefully they would be able to make her feel more able to deal with her future on Alpha.<p>

Bob knew that what was happening to Tina was not unique. Everyone on the base shared some of her turmoil. Everything they'd known had been taken away from them and their survival was precarious. They were bound to feel upset. This sort of depression was an inevitable consequence for some people and he acknowledged that maybe they needed to increase screening to try and nip any further outbursts in the bud.

After sedating Tina and leaving a nurse to watch over her, Bob buzzed through to Helena. He wanted to make sure she was feeling ok. Her face blinked up on his commlock screen. It was hard to judge her mood from the small black and white image. "Are you all right?"

She nodded.

He tried again. "Can I come in?" She didn't respond. "Helena we need to talk."

"I know Bob...it's just not..."

"You're running out of time Helena. He's going to be here...any time soon," they both knew who he was referring to, "...and HE won't take no for an answer."

He saw her turn away from the screen, hold her breath, wrestle with her emotions and then she nodded slowly. He waited as her door slide open. Her office was dim, she hadn't turned on any lights and she was sitting in semi darkness, light from the corridor filtering through her half shut blinds, the only illumination. She seemed calm.

"Are you ok?"

Again she nodded.

"You did a good job back there..."

She ignored his comment. "How's Tina?"

"Sedated. She'll be calmer when she wakes. She's in Observation 2, Carol is watching over her."

"Good. Do we know...have any idea how...?" The question hung in the air.

Bob nodded. He moved further into the room and closed the door. "Yeah. Some technician, a friend of theirs, oh, Tina and Ed are in a relationship by the way. Ed is the guy who attacked John last night." As Helena struggled to take it all in, Bob continued. "This tech was part of a team working with Kano on a computer main frame backup. Somehow after snooping around a bit he was able to access classified files. I wouldn't like to be in his shoes when the commander finds out."

As if the mere mention of his name somehow conjured him out of the ether, Helena's control panel buzzed and Johns face appeared on her screen.

"Helena." Her name was order not to be ignored.

They both turned as her door opened and the commander strode in. The atmosphere was tense. His face was hard and closed.

"Commander..."

"Not now Mathias. Leave us." It was another order.

With a quick glance at Helena who was staring blankly at a point somewhere beyond the commanders left shoulder, he could do nothing else but leave his superiors office.

When John had left main mission he's run a check on Helena's whereabouts expecting her to have headed towards her quarters. He's been surprised to find that she'd gone straight to Medical. His suprise was momentary and then he understood. She didn't expect him to follow her and confront her in her office. She felt safe surrounded by her staff. Well she was in for a shock because that was exactly what he was going to do.

He'd had enough...enough of waiting, enough of giving her space. After what had just taken place, they would have to talk. He needed to understand what was going on...why she'd shut him out, how they could work things through.

With Bob gone the silence became tangible. He moved toward the window and pulled at the cord, closing the blinds and shutting them off from view. Then he moved to her desk and snapped on her small reading lamp. A soft glow filled the room.

"John...people will..."

"They've all seen enough of our private business today...I'm damned if they'll see anymore." He turned defiant eyes to her, his tone was irritated. He needed to calm down he reminded himself. Shouting wasn't going to help sort their problems out. They were going to talk, he'd made his mind up about that, but it wouldn't do any harm to try to stay in control of his temper. She eyed him warily. His tone was curt, clipped. He seemed angry and probably wanted an explanation for what had just happened. Getting drawn into a public clash with a subordinate, whatever the provocation was not appropriate behaviour for someone in her position, so professionally his anger was justified. But there was so much more going on here. Just beneath the surface. Personal stuff. She'd shut him out since the miscarriage. No, if she was honest...she'd shut him out since she'd found out about the pregnancy, so he had every right to be mad at her. She realised how poorly she'd treated him recently. Instead of behaving as part of a couple, she'd reverted back into 'Helena survival mode', so scared for her own emotions, she'd ignored his pain. Allowing herself to have feelings for the man who was her commander had been wrong, she knew it now, without a doubt. Their relationship had threatened his command and she could never allow that to happen again.

"John, this isn't the time or the place to have the sort of discussion I think you want..."

"I didn't choose the time...so I can't help that! And you choose the place Helena..." he watched her pale and fought down the urge to take her into his arms. He didn't know how she'd respond and besides...they needed to talk. "We can stay here and have this conversation or we can go to your quarters and have this conversation...either way we are going to talk...so it's up to you...you choose."

He watched her intently, waiting for a response. She didn't think she could face walking through the base with him quite yet, not with the way things were, not with everyone talking. Here was the best option. She moved towards a viewport silently making her decision. His eyes followed her...allowed her a minute to be sure, before continuing. "Here it is then."

She rested her head against the cool surface of the viewport and waited for him to lash out. He seemed to catch himself, take a breath...then his voice softened. "You know you didn't have to do that, explain to everyone. It was a private..."

"Nothing here is private John, don't you get that yet?" She tried to control her temper and match his tone, surprised by his gentleness. "The base is too small for any secret to stay a secret. You're the commander, everyone thinks they should have a piece of you...you belong to them. It was a mistake...we were a mistake..." her voice trailed off.

She seemed so sad. This wasn't normal Helena talking. Against his better judgement he went to her. She hadn't been aware of him moving across the room and jumped as he took her arms and pulled her backward against his body, holding her against him and burying his face into the back of her head. She stiffened, she had been expecting a shouting match not this. He was tense she could feel the way he held himself in check, but she realised he didn't seem angry anymore, just upset. After weeks of being alone, this close contact with the one person she craved, was her undoing. She wanted nothing more than to melt into him and allow him to soothe her misery.

Holding her close had been a mistake. He'd meant them to talk...there was so much they needed to talk about, but she was like an addiction and after weeks of not being able to touch her he was incapable of letting her go now.

His warmth radiated along her whole back making her long for more contact. _Oh this was torture._ She waited for the ever present spark of anger to explode within her, ignite and enrage her. To send her flying away from him, furious! But nothing happened. It had been there for weeks, the mere sight of him enough to send fury coursing through her veins but now when she needed it most...it seemed to have deserted her. Her anger towards him had gone. All she felt was a longing for something she'd lost and an overwhelming sadness. She relaxed into his body, allowing him to cushion her against him, felt his breath in her hair, the band of his arms tighten around her, holding her close. She wanted the moment to last forever. "We are private, Helena..." he whispered the words against her hair. "They can think they know about us...but what we share together...that's private and just between us...you and me...we need this," he twisted her around slowly and took her face between his hands, gently caressing her skin with his fingertips. Their eyes met and held and then he lowered his lips to hers in a soft kiss.

Of all the things she'd been expecting, this scenario had not been one of them. She wanted nothing more than to be held tightly against this man and revel in the feelings he was causing within her but there was a nagging on the edge of her mind that wouldn't go away. Moulded against him seemed the most natural place to be so why the doubt? It was so confusing. Their lips melded together as their bodies strained to get even closer, his hands laced through her hair while her arms moved to hold him close. _Why was this wrong_? She searched through the haze of emotions she was drowning in to find the answer. _Because it can't work Helena...loving him is too dangerous. _ Sensing her distraction he tipped her chin bringing her eyes to meet his. "We're not a mistake...you're the only thing that makes this all bearable for me. I need you." He hoped his words would make her understand how wrong she was.

Unable to stand the intensity of his gaze she rested her forehead against his chest. His closeness was comforting, his heartbeat a soothing vibration against her cheek. How long they remained like that, neither could say. It was enough just to be together again. He was just thankful that she had let him back into her world after weeks of torment. Glad that she seemed ready to work things through. She was so tired and drained from weeks of emotional turmoil that his comfort was like a balm to her wounded soul and she was content just to be held.

Eventually he broke the silence. "Helena...we need to talk...I mean properly talk...about what happened"

"I know..."

He led her to the couch and pushed her gently down into the cushions. Guessing she may feel better with a little space between them he perched himself on the edge of her desk and waited.

"Helena..."

"I don't know where to start..."

"Why didn't you tell me?" The question hung in the air between them and she knew exactly what he was talking about.

"Because..." she struggled to find the right words. "Because, you had enough to worry about, you always do. I didn't want to be the cause of more worry for you..." her voice faltered and John went to move towards her. She stopped him. "No...stay where you are." He sat back down. "When I suspected I was...pregnant ...I ran some tests and...and when they came back positive... I was shocked...I didn't know how it had happened." Their eyes met and held as they were drawn back to their time on Retha. Words were unnecessary. They could read it all in the other's eyes...they both remembered how it had happened now! "What I mean is the dates didn't add up..." she shrugged. "I had to assume that you and I...that we had...well that something had happened on Retha...it sort of made sense after what Sahn had implied." For a moment she seemed lost in thought and then she continued. "There were enough rumours flying around at the point without adding to them...so I guess I figured I'd keep it private...it was something I needed to work out by myself...and I would have." She wanted to reassure him of that. Make him understand that she would never have asked so much of him. "What Tina said...about me wanting the rules changed...well...it wasn't true...I didn't. I mean...ok...maybe emotionally I might have wanted to keep the baby but objectively I knew that the rules couldn't be broken...I had no intention of putting you in a position where you had to order a..."

"Hey..."

She didn't let him interrupt. Talking this through was hard and she had to keep going. "I knew I had to terminate the pregnancy and I would have...I was going to...but then...well...you know the rest. "

Both their emotions were close to the surface and not easily held in check. Her mood seemed to change. She shrugged and raised her eyebrow at him. "I know Bob's kept you updated," she said sarcastically.

He wasn't about to apologise to her for talking to Bob... he was the base commander for heaven's sake! But he couldn't help but be defensive. "You wouldn't talk to me...how else was I supposed to..."

"It wasn't exactly base business...Commander!" She was goading him and she didn't know why except that it made her feel better to make him angry. It worked.

"Helena you're the base CMO! Anything concerning you is important, so of course it was base business!" He was exasperated. "But that's not why I was keeping tabs on you and you know it!" He swore under his breath and had to remind himself again to keep his temper under control. "It wasn't just base business it was MY business! You shut me out...you didn't come to me...I should have been involved."

"No John...you're the Commander. I couldn't risk that sort of speculation. Have people wonder what or who your main priority would be. Suggest that your loyalties might be divided." She tried hard to keep her voice cool. "Alpha would be lost without you...even if you're not everyone's favourite person, you're their best hope out here," she waved distractedly at the viewport. "And I knew how it would look to them...so...there was no way I could tell you."

"But I was responsible damn it. It was my baby too!"

Hearing him acknowledge their baby for the first time was too much for her to take. Her breath caught at his words and she struggled to compose herself as her eyes swam with unshed tears. She didn't want to look like an emotional wreck in front of him but she couldn't do anything about the tears that started to fall. Suddenly he was beside her on the couch, pulling her close as she cried out her misery in his arms.

Then for the first time in weeks they really talked. In hushed tones they relived the hell of the miscarriage. How he'd been frantic with worry when he'd found her. Terrified by the blood, panic stricken and unable to comprehend what had happened. Scared he was going to lose her! He apologised for doubting her...even if it was for just a split second...apologised for his culpability in freeing Balor...for the whole fiasco that resulted in her collapse. She told him how hard it had been to keep news of her pregnancy to herself. How much she'd wanted to tell him, but how determined she'd been that his position, as commander, should not be compromised. With a miserable shrug she said that their feelings didn't matter when balanced against the welfare of the entire base. She explained how shocked she been by the overwhelming love she'd felt for their baby but how she'd blocked it out as a defence mechanism, knowing that ending the pregnancy was inevitable. She told him how scared she'd been for his safety when Balor was attacking him and how hard it had been to keep the intensity of her feelings for his safety, hidden. He tenderly kissed her temple and she turned to look directly into his eyes. She watched his reaction when she told him how the memory of her time on Retha had returned, and as their eyes held he nodded and admitted that he too remembered. No further explanation was needed, they had both shared the experience and it would be with them forever. Her voice became little more than a whisper as she relived the moment when she'd realised she was losing the baby. How she'd been wracked with grief as she felt her body contracting with pain and expelling the tiny life that up until that moment, she'd viewed as such a problem. Fresh tears trickled down her cheeks as she told him about the guilt and anger she'd directed at both herself and him and the universe in general! It was a cathartic process and if she'd been able to have this conversation with Bob soon after the miscarriage she would probably have saved herself weeks of torment but it was only now, talking with John, that she could see things clearly. Each emotion was still there, inside her, but the intensity had diminished and, as she rested her head against Johns shoulder, she felt for the first time in weeks that she might actually heal. The events of the day had forced things to a head and maybe now she would begin to feel better.

But, like a cloud moving across the sun, her mood changed as she realised that they couldn't go back to the way it had been before. Although they'd only begun sleeping together quite recently their relationship had started from the first moment he'd stalked into her office and introduced himself as the new commander. There had been a connection between them right from the start, hidden beneath irritation and mistrust, a connection which had grown as they'd been thrust together to keep Alpha safe following Breakaway. They had progressed from colleagues, to friends and then to lovers, but no matter how much she loved this man, continuing their relationship was now out of the question. She had to end things before she caused another problem for him and for Alpha, somewhere down the line...she had to let him go...

Content to just be holding her again, John had no idea where her thoughts were taking her, he was just relieved that she'd finally opened up and shared things with him. She'd come to mean to him in such a relatively short space of time he was reluctant to leave her just yet just after they'd begun talking again, but they had been holed up in her office for a long time and even with Victor holding the fort in Main Mission and Mathias perfectly capable of running Medical, their absence from duty would have been noticed and noted.

And there were things that he needed to do. A communiqué had to be put together, to officially set the record straight about Retha and Helena's pregnancy and miscarriage, to explain Tina's outburst, to limit any damage her accusations may have caused. There was Ed to deal with and a technician to reprimand, a whole bunch of stuff that demanded his attention and had to be his main priority. Helena's previous misgivings about their relationship hit home. She had been right. Working together and being involved in a relationship had caused them problems in the past. Following Computers directive and having to send her away on the survival ship had almost torn him apart...her actions when she'd removed him from command deeming his judgement impaired as the Moon hurtled towards a collision with Atheria...had, if he was honest, rankled. There had been many occasions where their relationship had been tested, had been pushed to its limits. But the alternative...going back to being just work colleagues...he knew that wasn't an option. The emotions he experienced when he'd found her unconscious, when he'd thought he was losing her, made him realise how important she'd become to him. He hadn't enjoyed being pushed away but he'd tried to understand how she must be feeling and the outburst today had, maybe, been a blessing in disguise. It had forced the issue and now hopefully, they'd be able to put it behind them and move forward. Standing and pulling her with him into the circle of his arms, he held her tightly for a moment.

"You ok?"

"Uh huh" she nodded.

"I should get back."

"I know..." she smiled reassuringly at him. "I'm ok...go...I'll be fine...I promise...I have a Medical Centre to run..."

"Tina...?"

"She'll be ok. Bob will take care of her. Now go...we need to get back to work..." she raised her hand to his cheek in a soft caress. He turned slightly kissing her palm gently.

"Meet me later?"

"Uh huh..."

With a smile, he left her office.

* * *

><p>Later that day the Commander issued a base wide bulletin detailing the repercussions of the Rethan mist cloud and asking everyone to respect the CMOs privacy after so public an ordeal. Those responsible for the general gossip around the base had to curtail much of the sensationalism associated with the goings on between commander and CMO, but the drama of the day still drew a lot of morbid interest. You couldn't be seen to be discussing it openly, with too much glee, but nonetheless, it was still a very newsworthy topic and as another day on Alpha drew to a close, the base was still buzzing with the aftermath of Tina's revelations.<p>

* * *

><p>Helena refused Bobs offer for her to take the rest of her shift off. She wasn't ready to be alone with her thoughts yet, she wanted to be busy. She worked with her office door open, not wanting it to look as if she'd locked herself away. Several of her nursing staff, who'd not been privy to the real cause of her illness, popped their heads in to say how sorry they were and she accepted their commiserations solemnly. They meant well but she hated being the focus of so much attention but it would all be back to normal soon. Once she'd spoken to John...<p>

* * *

><p>If only he'd realised where her thought were taking her, maybe he might have been able to change things. But with no idea about the doubts churning through her mind he'd left her office feeling more positive about things than he'd been in quite awhile.<p>

When she'd arrived at his quarters before dinner that evening he had to suppress the jolt of pleasure that he felt, that she'd come to him. He hadn't known what to expect. They were talking again...which was good...but how long it would take them to get back to normal he hadn't wanted to think about. She was hard to read sometimes even when you loved her...he smiled to himself...and recent history had only served to complicate things even more, but it was a good sign that she had made the first move.

Inside Helena was a mess, but she was very good at hiding her emotions and John seemed so happy that she was there that she couldn't help but be carried away with his high spirits. He looked tired, the last hours...no...the last weeks, must have been hard on him. She knew that what she was going to tell him would be a shock and he'd get angry, and she wanted to enjoy just a few more moments with him before she destroyed everything there was between them. They were both a little unsure, but the awkwardness soon disappeared and she realised how much she'd missed his company. There was a lot of catching up to do. Their conversation was light, the mood was relaxed and his arm slide along the cushion behind her and drew he close against him. Before she knew it her head was resting comfortably against his shoulder and they'd settled into their normal position. Even in the early stages of their developing relationship, they'd spent many an evening just enjoying being close together, talking about their respective days, discussing things that had happened on the base and absorbing comfort each from the other. It was like the clock had been turned back. She could feel his fingers gently kneading the flesh of her upper arm, a slow, sensuous touch that he knew she loved. It was soothing and she willingly turned into his arms. His lips found hers and they kissed slowly and deliciously, arms sliding around each other, bodies craving more contact.

Alarm bells went off in Johns head...he didn't want to overwhelm her...didn't want to push her until she was ready...but it was so good to have her in his arms again.

Alarm bells went off in Helena's head...this couldn't be happening...it was wrong...she needed to stop it...but she wanted it so much...and it was so good to be in his arms again.

Neither was able to resist and soon he was carrying her to his bed. Stripping away her top, he couldn't stop his hands from going to her breasts, cupping them both, kneading and teasing the soft responsive flesh as he kissed her thoroughly. She drank him in, holding him close, moaning as the pressure from his hands grew, catching her breath as he found her bra clasp, nearly fainting from pleasure as his lips moved from her lips to her breasts, kissing and licking and biting until she was a pool of liquid pleasure.

He drew back slightly, trying to slow things down. She was having her usual effect on him, making him forget everyone and everything except her, making him want to lose himself in her. She was like a drug in his system, making him crave to possess her, hunger for the wonderment that only she could bring. He was hard and uncomfortable and in need of release...it had been a long time, weeks...and he wanted her, but he didn't want to do anything wrong. Was this ok? She seemed to be enjoying it, eager for his touch. How far could he go? The trauma she'd been through had passed but was she ready to make love with him again?

His face was like an open book to her, every question and emotion there for her to read. His eyes were smouldering with passion yet edged with caution as they silently asked her permission to proceed.

Questioning blue eyes...met misted green eyes.

She nodded almost imperceptibly..."I want you John...please...make love to me."

"You're sure...?"

"I'm sure."

And she was. She knew this was the last time they were going to be together. She was being selfish but she wanted to be his, just one more time. Feel his hands on her body, feel his lips grazing her flesh. Know what it was to be writhing beneath him, hot and sweaty and possessed by him...just one more time...

He left her momentarily, disappearing into his bathroom. She didn't stop him. Her implant had been renewed but she appreciated his thoughtfulness. Then he was back and as he removed the rest of her clothes and undressed himself, she drank in the sight of him. It was something to be stored away because tomorrow she would have no further claim to this...to this intimate side of John Koenig. He would revert back to being just her commander and she would...could...never again, claim this part of his life. Sorrow overwhelmed her as she realised how impossible life was going to be from now on. Of the sacrifice she had to make for Alpha and for John. Tears filled her eyes and he stilled the hand that had been intent on bringing her pleasure.

"Helena..."

She swallowed away the tears and smiled. "I'm fine...really I am...please...don't stop."

Unsure, he knelt beside her on the bed and gazed into her over bright eyes. "What is it...did I hurt you?"

She shook her head at him slowly, unable to find the words to convey her feelings, then she pulled him down beside her and kissed away any further doubts he might have had. He was lost. Her lips burnt into his skin...her teeth nipped at his lips, sending shock waves of desire coursing through him. She tasted so good. Her breasts thrust out, offering themselves to him, rubbing against the roughness of his chest, swelling, as he kissed his way across the taut flesh. He rolled onto his side and moved across her, spreading her legs with his thigh and his hand returned to her soft folds, stroking and teasing, using his fingers to open her, feeling her hot and wet and thrusting against him. It had been too long. Too much had happened for it to be slow, romantic, love making. He needed to be buried within her body. She wanted to feel him deep inside her. It was simple and yet complex. He moved over her bracing himself above her. Their eyes met and held...deep, smouldering blue and passion dazed green, and for a moment time seemed to stand still, as they each anticipated, what was to come next. Slowly, deliberately, he slid his hard length into her, in a intense and intimate act of oneness. He watched as her eyes widen with shock and then become shimmering pools of jade, as pleasure washed over her. She gasped as he filled her, as her body stretched satisfyingly to accommodate him. They both held still, not the slightest movement to break the spell. She could see the effort it was causing him to hold himself rigid, was aware of his muscles, taut...as he held his weight above her. She could feel his hot length deep within her, feel his anxious member twitching restlessly as he kept a tight rein on his passion. He was mesmerised by the way she looked stretched out beneath him, impaled by his body.

He shuddered as his name escaped her lips. "John..."

He loved the way she said his name. John...he'd heard it hundreds of times but no-one ever made it sound the way she did. It sent tingles down his spine, made his body instantly hard when she used his name around the base...he could deal with...commander...but when she called him 'John', he just went to pieces inside.

"John..." Her eyes had clouded.

She was watching him intently. He smiled, his eyes blazing with every emotion he possessed for her, and then he took her lips in a hard, demanding kiss. She was breathless when he broke away and hardly had time to catch her breath before he began moving within her. Slowly at first, then faster, as her gasps of pleasure drove him on. Their bodies entangled as one, as their love making gained momentum, became harsher, almost violent in its intensity. He swallowed her scream as her orgasm hit, thrusting into her again and again until he joined her and they spiralled together to a place of shared ecstasy.

Pulled tight against him, her head cradled against his chest, his fingers rhythmically stroking her damp hair, they calmed. Then, they slept.

When he awoke the lights around his quarters were dim so he knew it was still early. Rolling over he saw her silhouetted against the viewport, she was staring out into the emptiness of Space.

"Come back to bed," his voice was soft, yet she jumped. "Helena..."

"I need to go."

"Don't be ridiculous." They normally stayed in her quarters and he usually left early, before the base began to rouse, in an attempt to be discreet, but that would change now. He didn't want her skulking away as if they had something to hide. He was tired of pretence.

"You don't understand. This was a mistake." Her words took a moment to sink in.

Then he was out of bed, uncaring of his nakedness and across the room in a second, spinning her around and looking into her tear, wet eyes. "What is it...what's wrong?"

"We have to end this...I'm sorry but...it won't work...you and me...it was a mistake."

"Honey..." he tried to pull her into his arms but she pushed away and began to collect her clothes together.

Grabbing his jeans he followed her away from the bedroom, snapping on lights as he went. She had her back to him as pulled on panties, trousers, fumbled with her bra clasp. He could see that she was shaking as she yanked her top over her head and ran agitated fingers through her tousled hair.

"I have to go."

"What the hell are you talking about Helena...I don't understand." Confusion made his voice harsh.

"We can't do this anymore. It's not right," she searched for the right words, "...it's not appropriate behaviour. There's too much at stake." She was shaking her head sadly, avoiding his eyes.

"You're not making sense Helena, what are you talking about."

"Us...John, there can't be an 'us' anymore! Our relationship was a mistake...I tried to tell you earlier today. You're too important to Alpha, too many lives depend on you. You can't afford to have your position compromised and that's what I do...I come between you and them," she waved her arm, encompassing the base in general. "You escaped today, but next time...when something happens and your loyalties are questioned...well who knows. We can't afford to lose you John, Alpha needs you at its helm, fighting to keep the base going...people respect you...follow your lead. I'm scared that our relationship will damage that, it almost did today." Voicing her doubts out loud, strengthened her resolve. This was something she had to do. Like getting onboard the survival Eagle all those months ago.

"I don't give a damn what people think...I love you..."

"Then don't make this harder than it is...please..." she moved close and raised her hand to caress his cheek. Their eyes met...wounded blue and jaded green. She leaned in and placed a tender kiss on his cheek...fighting back her tears. He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her close, their lips met and seared together and he held her tight.

"Helena...don't do this."

"I have to John...its over. It has to be." She broke away. "Please try to understand."

She was gone before he could say anything else. The door slide closed behind her, leaving him alone.

_The Loss – Part 3 _


	4. Chapter 4

**The Loss – Part 4**

**Awareness had been growing exponentially as the lost Moon drew closer. On the planet, alien minds united together and explored the consciousness of the approaching satellite. Unknown to the inhabitants of the moonbase, they were under scrutiny and had been for some time. Their actions, thoughts, hopes and dreams, all observed and monitored by inhabitants of a planet, they had yet to know, even existed. Linking with Computer, tendrils of alien awareness, gained knowledge and understanding of the planet called Earth, the home of the beings that lived on the moonbase. They explored the history of the human race and learnt about the events that led to the humans' expulsion into outer Space. They delved into the minds of the Alphans to understand how they had adapted to their new lives on the lost satellite, what predominant emotional energy they possessed? This knowledge was absorbed and filtered and allowed to permeate into the fabric of the alien society. **

* * *

><p>John was holed up in his office, pretending to be busy...but actually he was brooding. The last few weeks had been difficult. Since the morning she'd left his bed declaring their relationship, a mistake, Helena been out of his reach. Unprepared to talk, she'd closed herself off to him. There was no smile in her eyes anymore, no connection between them. They'd had a few heated discussions when he'd persisted in trying to change her mind, but they'd escalated quickly into all out shouting matches. Their last row, over a week ago now, had finally made him realise that there would be no going back. He had yelled and sworn and he'd wanted to shake her, he was so frustrated. But his temper had had no effect on her. She'd just watched him rant with a blank expression on her face, her eyes laced with contempt, then she walked away, cool and distant. She'd treated him with politeness ever since, but refused any of his attempts to talk about 'them'. It was clear to him that as far as she was concerned 'they' didn't exist anymore. Throwing down his pen in frustration he rubbed his eyes and cradled his head in his hands, massaging his aching temples. He couldn't concentrate. He almost envied her ability to switch off her emotions. He'd underestimated how much he'd come to enjoy...<em>no...be honest John<em>...depend...on her presence in his life and right now he was feeling angry with himself at his weakness. His console bleeped to life and Sandra's face appeared on his monitor. New pictures were coming in of the planet they'd been monitoring for the last few weeks. He'd asked to be notified when this happened. He jabbed at a button, opening his office doors and joined Sandra at her workstation to begin looking at the new data. They were now within contact range which meant they could start broadcasting a message, begin hoping again that this planet might become their new home.

Helena heard the news as she worked through pilot assessment reports in Medical. The new planet was within range. Alpha was now broadcasting to the planet, hoping for contact. Paul made the base wide announcement and immediately she became aware of the tension his words ignited amongst her staff, that peculiar mix of excitement and trepidation that they were all learning to live with. An instrument tray clattered to the floor scattering sterile instrument everywhere. Nervous laughter and forced jovial banter covered the mishap. A nurse had moved toward a viewport and was staring out into the blackness, lost in thought. Helena guessed her department was no different from any other section and that Paul's announcement had had the same effect on the whole base. Everyone's hopes and fears starkly evident in drawn faces and shaky hands, as they tried to carry on with their duties, tried to remain calm even as their stomachs churned and the unknown raced toward them. This was their new life and it was full of stress and fear. Distracted from her work she couldn't stop herself from wondered what John was doing...how he really felt about the new planet. Of course it had been discussed at length during recent command conferences, so she was 'au fait' with all current data, but this time there had been no private discussions over coffee late at night, where he'd share his personal worries with her. Where, after a long day of being commander and portraying an optimistic and confident facade, he could just be himself and admit to his worries and fears. She could picture him now, deep in conversation with Sandra and Victor, engrossed in facts and figures. She knew how fearful he'd be of making the wrong decision and bringing harm to Alpha and she wanted to go to him. Show her support. She missed him so much. It had been the hardest thing she'd ever had to do...end their relationship, and she could still sometimes forget that they weren't together anymore. The only way she'd been able to survive so far, was by hiding away behind her old persona, reverting back to the cool distant woman that he'd first met. She knew how angry he was with her and she felt torn apart inside, but it had been her only option and one day she hoped he'd come to realise that. And yet, even knowing she was doing what was best for him and Alpha, she still had to fight down the impulse to go to Main Mission and be close to him. Giving herself a mental shake she told herself that he probably wouldn't want her around anyways. _You made your choice...now you've got to live with it. _Making an effort to clear her mind of the distraction John Koenig represented, she turned her thoughts back to her work and tried to concentrate.

* * *

><p><strong>To the watching alien consciousness, human emotions were strange and incomprehensible. There was love but also so much sadness. So much worry. So much anger. So much fear. They were such a strange race. The overwhelming consensus from the inhabitants of the planet was that the Alphans would not be compatible with the alien world, that they were too flawed as a species to adapt, and that their flaws would destroy any chance they would have of finding a new home on this particular alien world. But no official verdict had yet been reached. The Alphans would have a chance to prove their suitability, to make a home on the planet, but they would be tested and judged and only time would tell, as to the outcome. <strong>

* * *

><p>Alarms sounding in Main Mission disturbed John and Victor.<p>

"Where did they come from?" Paul's question was directed at Sandra, who had been monitoring the new planet.

"I do not know. There is no indication of them on long range scanners" she was shaking her head and staring at the screen in confusion.

Alpha had been broadcasting a message to the planet for two days and there had been no reply, no indication that anyone or anything had heard it. Now the main screen was filled with the terrifying sight of a formation of Mark XI Hawks, flying in attack formation and heading straight toward Alpha.

As soon as his brain formed the thought..._how could this be happening...Hawks out in space so far from Earth_, John made his first mistake. He cancelled out his doubt. No time to dwell on the unimportant, he could seen Hawks...so they must be there. They were under attack!

Alan was dispatched to investigate and Paul began broadcasting to whoever it was behind the threat.

"This is Moonbase Alpha...we are people from the planet Earth...please acknowledge."

Red alert sirens sounded throughout the base sending Alphans to action stations and the atmosphere in Main Mission was tense with fear as everyone waited for the Commanders next move. John could feel the weight of responsibility on him as the fighting machines came within striking distance of the base and could do little else but give the order to 'fire' when the threat to Alpha was imminent. Main Mission personal watched as the Hawks were obliterated, but their relief was short lived as yet more Hawks appeared on the main screen. Firstly Alphas Eagle defence was wiped out and then the attack on the Moonbase itself began. It was devastating. Explosions rocked the base, crippling launch pads and causing widespread destruction.

In the months since Breakaway this had been John's greatest fear. Attack from an enemy much stronger than them, more prepared for war. Alpha was never meant to be a defence post and there was little they could do to protect themselves from attack. They had drilled for this...prepared for it...but now it was upon them, and a part of John couldn't believe it was happening.

The air was acrid with the smell of burning debris and thick dust made visibility difficult. It was hard to breath and the moans of the injured filled the air. Screams and cries became louder as the base was rocked by yet more explosions. Lights flickered and then went off as power was lost and the carnage continued even as emergency generators kicked into life. Then as suddenly as it had begun the attack was over. The shrill sound of sirens ricocheted around Main Mission and damage reports began flooding in as John gave orders to secure the base. All around him Alphans began to pick themselves up, check for injuries, assess the damage to workstations and data banks. Moving to a screen he opened up a link to Medical.

"Helena. Give me a casualty report?"

A grainy image flicked onto his screen. She was badly shaken and looked strained and pale. He could see fear in her eyes but her voice was steady. "Apart from the Eagle crews we've lost all technicians on launch pad four, we have eleven other casualties and two men unaccounted for." In the drama of the moment they slipped back to first names. "It's bad John."

He stared at the screen for a moment longer without really seeing her. "We're at war!" He said abruptly and cut the link.

Helena stared at the blank screen wishing she could have said something, anything to help ease what she knew he must be feeling right now. Taking a calming breath she suppressed her own panic and turned back to her department where the casualty count was growing rapidly.

The lull in fighting didn't last long. Out in space, Eagles tried to defend the Moonbase but with little success. Alan managed a direct hit but one after another the Eagles were picked off and after a huge explosion, contact with Alan was lost. The situation on Alpha was critical. With launch pads jammed and their last Eagle trapped below ground where it was useless, the base was wide open to further attack. John had scarcely given the command to evacuate all none essential personnel to underground bunkers, when the attack began again. The whole base rocked as laser fire erupted and sections of the base exploded. Those that had made it below ground could only wait and wonder in fear, as the deep rumbles of each new explosion we felt throughout the dim caverns.

On the surface the situation was not good. Medical had been in the process of moving casualties underground when the renewed attack devastated the department. Debris from partially collapsed walls exploded, sending clouds of chocking dust into the atmosphere. Glass from internal window shattered, slicing into those unfortunate enough to be in the way. The area erupted into chaos as smoke and flames filled the air, sparks ignited yet more fires as the base shook from the sustained attack. Helena had been thrown to the floor as the first explosion hit. Pushing away rubble that half buried her she dragged herself to her feet. Her eyes stung from the smoke and it was difficult to breath. Everywhere people were screaming and shouting for help. Above the noise she shouted orders to terrified nurses, they needed to evacuate quickly. She could see Bob across the other side of the unit working to get the wounded to safety, yelling at anyone who could walk, to get out immediately.

Then the alarmed voice of an orderly yelled 'Air leak! Help. Help!" The panic in his voice reverberated around Medical and cries for help grew louder.

Bob grabbed at an emergency foam canister and rushed across the room. He began spraying the contents onto the tiny cracks in the glass that splintered and spread at an alarming rate. Feeling her heart rate increase alarmingly, Helena assessed the situation: they needed help...quickly. She flew to a communication panel and tried to get a message through to Main Mission but the comms system was damaged.

Jabbing agitatedly at the panel she tried to keep herself calm. Pushing hair, thick with dust, out of her eyes she felt tears of frustration sting as she tried to make contact with main mission. "We've got an atmosphere leak! John...do you hear me?" The monitor showed no clear picture, just a mass of static. She tried again. "John, we've got an atmosphere leak."

In Main Mission the attack had caused considerable damage. The Commander, Paul, Sandra and Kano had been thrown across the floor by the force of blasts that were rocking the base. Protecting themselves from falling debris, they could do nothing except wait for the devastating bombardment to cease. When the tremors subsided leaving the air thick with smoke and dust, they dragged themselves to their feet, taking in the destruction that surrounded them. A fire was blazing at the main computer terminal and John grabbed at a fire extinguisher to try and limit the damage. He was fighting the blaze when he heard Helena's voice. He could just make it out above the alarms and fire and chaos that surrounded him. Clambering across mounds of rubble he reached a monitor but the system wasn't responding and he couldn't activate the screen to make contact with Medical.

A split second later he heard her voice again. "John, we've got an atmosphere leak." The static cleared and he could see her face for a few seconds, she looked tense. He banged at the unit but his frustration had little effect on the damaged hardware. The screen was filled with static again and then fleetingly the screen cleared and her picture and voice were in sync. "It's under control at the moment but I don't know how long it's gonna hold..." she was running her hand agitatedly through her dishevelled hair, calling for help...and then the monitor cut out completely.

He felt his heart lurch sickeningly as he flicked at a communication switch in frustration, but was unable to get back through to Medical. Turning to Sandra he told her to stay put, then yelled to Paul and Kano to follow him.

More explosions shook the base as the Hawks moved in for another attack. Struggling through corridors filled with smoke and debris, the trio raced to Medical. As they got closer they had to dodge bodies and stretchers and people trying to move away from the threat of the air leak. Another close hit rocked Helena on her feet as she threw herself across a bed and struggled to protect a patient from a falling beam. Screams of pain and panic were melding together as she attempted to hurry the last remaining casualties to safety. Bob was trying to add more foam layers to the crack which continued to grow and splinter, as each second passed.

"Bob." She called out to Bob to leave the leak and get out. She tried to keep her voice calm as she ordered nurses and orderlies to evacuate. "Come on, we have to get everybody out of here. Let's go." Pushing patients towards the door she continued yelling, "Everybody. Come on, come on."

She knew time was running out for them. She could see Bob frantically working on the ever growing crack. She could hear the hiss of escaping air growing louder and louder. There was a body at her feet, moaning. Struggling against his weight and fighting for breath she managed to get the man to his feet and was guiding him to safety as John arrived.

Relief flooded through him as he reached her...and then he followed her desperate gaze to the remaining beds where more bodies awaited rescue. Pushing her toward the door and relative safety, he turned back and entered the unit with Paul and Kano to get the remaining casualties out.

Emergency lighting made it hard to see through the swirling clouds of smoke and dust. The ominous sound of cracking glass grew louder as the three men managed to clear the final Alphans. A hiss of escaping air grew louder.

Bobs cry echoed through the now empty medical unit. "It won't hold!"

HELENA! John couldn't believe what was happening. In the confusion he'd almost missed her as she tried to slip past him, blindly rushing to go help Bob. Christ...what the hell was she doing! He threw himself at her, grabbed at her arm and pulled her roughly to him. "Helena...come on!" His spoke harshly. She was fighting him...screaming at Bob to get out. He kept a vice like grip on her struggling body, holding her firmly as she twisted and fought against him, attempting to break free.

The hiss grew louder still. Dragging her with him he yelled over his shoulder to Bob who was continuing to work frantically on the leak. "Bob! Leave that! Come on..."

Fighting to keep his hold on her, the words were ripped from his throat as the hiss became a roar.

"Bob! BOB!" She screamed his name as the viewport shattered and he was sucked out into blackness.

The decompression was violent and without John's firm grip on her arms she would have been dragged away and would have followed Mathias through the gaping wound in the now destroyed Medical wing. Battling against the unimaginable pull of the decompression, John used all his strength to drag her through the doorway. Gasping from exertion and emotion, he slammed his fist against the emergency override sealing off the screaming threat of decompression and allowing the door to slide closed on the scene of destruction.

After the chaos of the past minutes and the roaring of the decompression, the shocked silence that filled the corridor was unnerving. Dust and smoke swirled around and soft moans and sobs began as the dazed Alphans huddled together, coughing and spluttering, aware of how close they'd come to death. Nurses struggled against their own shock to tend to casualties who lay littering the floor and every available gurney.

John held Helena firmly pinned against the closed door until she stopped struggling against him. He could feel the fight leave her as she slumped against the wall in defeat and sobbed Bob's name.

"Yes...I know. I know." He gently touched her face and their eyes met. His hands held onto her shoulders and then his arms enfolded her gently as she crumpled against him. For a split second they stood locked together, Helena in misery and anguish, John in gratitude. Then he slowly pushed her away and their eyes met and held for the briefest moment. There was no time for a more personal exchange but in that instant, as their eyes had locked, they'd both been able to see the pain and anguish present in the other. Looking around, John was appalled at the devastation surrounding him. Then another thought exploded into his head. The attack had stopped!

With a last glance and reassuring touch of her shoulder he moved away from Helena. Giving instructions to Paul and Kano to stay and help out with the injured, he ran back through the base.

The sight that greeted him when he reached Main Mission was like a blow to his solar plexus. The size of the alien bomber on the main screen was incredible. There was nothing he could do to protect Alpha and he stood with Sandra, watching in awe and fear as the bomber grew larger and larger. This was it! He had failed. His fear, a fear that had plagued him since breakaway, had finally become reality. They were under attack and they had no means of defending themselves...they were sitting ducks. There was to be no happy ending, no planet on which to build a new life...no future for them...nothing...their struggle had been in vain. Desolation overwhelmed him. "There's nothing we can do. NOTHING!"

The futility of their fight to survive mocked him as he waited alone except for a trembling communications analyst in the eerily empty space, for the final, devastating attack to bring everything to an end. When the viewports lit up with a vast explosion, a millisecond before he was knocked off his feet, he thought it had started. The end had come! He was sent sprawling across the floor as a huge shockwave hit the Moon. Realization that in fact, it was the bomber that had come under attack and been wiped out, was almost too much to take in, in his befuddled state. John struggled to make sense of what was happening. The sight of the lone Eagle approaching Alpha was almost beyond his comprehension._ What the hell! _ Shaking his head in an attempt to clear his thoughts he pulled himself to his feet. However unexpected, it seemed that, despite the odds, Eagle One had managed to keep under the radar and had been able to thwart the enemy. Badly shaken Sandra gasped out loud as Alan's voice over the comm link echoed around the eerily empty main mission. Hearing Carters voice was a blessed relief to John and, after confirming that his chief pilot could make it back to Alpha, a relieved Commander patched a communication link through to the Victor and brought him up to date with what had happened.

A while later when damage and casualty data had been collated, John called his command team together. Emergency repairs were being conducted and key personnel had been brought up from the bunkers to help keep the base as stable as possible until the full impact of the attacks could be assessed, but the news wasn't good. One hundred and twenty eight Alphans had died. Sucked out into Space! Explosive decompression! Helena tried to keep her voice under control as she explained the situation. Now was not the time to breakdown but she couldn't contain the bitterness that laced her words as she described the needless loss of life. John could see her despair and yet had no words to offer that would make any difference. Kano, Paul and Sandra could offer little hope either. Main generators would take a minimum of four weeks to repair and emergency power, even running on minimum usage, would be exhausted within eight days. Food production and recycling plants had sustained massive damage and the water supply was badly contaminated. It would be months before they would be capable of replenishing their supplies. The attacks seemed to have stopped but that was of little comfort, Alpha was dead anyway. As each new fact came to light, the mood around the conference table grew heavier. Helena was glad she was sitting down. She felt faint. Nausea overwhelmed her as the finality of what lay ahead sank in. Glancing around at the familiar faces, each one tuned into its own personal misery, she wished it could have turned out differently, that they had been able to make it work...somehow. Lost in her thoughts she wasn't really listening to what John was saying and was startled when he moved around the table to stand close to her. Shaking away her confusion she focused on his words. They were going down to the planet. _Who was going down to the planet? She hadn't been paying attention._ _What had she missed?_

The table came to life. Voices rose in discord. Alan pushed his chair back noisily and started to talk. Paul was equally vocal. John and Victor seemed to be on the point of arguing. Then John raised his voice. "Just a minute…" everyone shut up.

He turned to Victor who was looking perturbed and gestured to the professor to speak. Choosing his words carefully Victor spoke quietly. "I'd rather thought they were trying to tell us to keep away John."

"Victor. The only reason they've stopped firing is because they don't need to bother. Alpha is dead. Now, unless any of you have a better idea, the only course open is to go down there, meet them face to face on their own turf, and try to persuade them to talk." His words were angry and it was clear that he wasn't going to change his mind.

Alan left immediately to prepare the unarmed Eagle that John required, and Helena rose with Sandra and Kano to leave. John stopped her. "Helena. Stay a moment...please." She nodded and wandered across to a viewport while he discussed emergency protocol with Victor and Paul. Her mind was racing. There was much she needed to do. Her department was in turmoil_..._ she'd lost a doctor...and a friend in the attack_. Try not to think about Bob...Helena_, _not here...not now..._but she'd seen the need in John's eyes when he'd looked at her a moment ago and she'd been powerless to argue with him. He was what she needed too. Just to be close to him. She ran her fingers through her hair, which was thick with dust and realised she must look a mess. Staring at her reflection in the viewport she saw the discussion end and turned slightly as Victor approached her. He smiled and squeezed her arm gently in farewell as he passed by and then they were alone. Even with the doors to Main Mission open and in full view of people busy with the cleanup operation, John didn't give a damn. He needed to hold her. He moved to stand close behind her, wrapping her in his arms and pulling her against him. She hadn't been expecting this and instinctively went to pull away but he held her firm and she could see his reflection...see him close his eyes...hear his sigh as he rested his head against hers. After the horrors of the last few hours this was the comfort they both needed. It couldn't hurt...not for a few moments...she told herself. She leant back against him feeling his warmth seep into her coldness, feeling safe for the first time in a long time.

From her console in Main Mission Sandra watched as the Commander took Dr Russell into his arms. She had been hoping that they would be able to work out their problems because she thought, they really did make a lovely couple and it was plainly obvious how much they loved each other, but during the last weeks it had been very awkward to be around them, the atmosphere had been so tense. She glanced around to see if anyone else was aware of what was happening and caught eyes with Paul who gave her a knowing look.

Uncaring of the attention they were drawing, John just enjoyed the comfort he got from holding this woman in his arms. These last few weeks had been hell and the future was looking pretty grim but just for awhile they seemed to have called a truce and this was heaven. He opened his eyes and saw her watching him in the glass. "I'm sorry about Bob." His voice was soothing, gentle.

She nodded but he felt her tense at his words. He wanted to ease her pain but there was nothing her could do. The moment was shattered. She pulled away and he let her go. Her eyes dropped to his hand that had reached out and taken hold of hers. "We leave in a little under an hour." He rubbed his thumb across her wrist in a soft caress. She caught her breath and pulled her hand away.

"Ok..." she nodded imperceptibly, then turned and walked away.

Sandra caught the exchange out of the corner of her eye. As she turned back to her screen she wondered on the hopelessness of their situation, the Commander and Dr Russell and the whole of Alpha in general. What was to become of them all?

This though was occupying Helena as she buckled herself into the co-pilot seat of the Eagle an hour later. She'd left her nurses setting up a temporary Medical facility in a recreational hall and on her way to meet John, had managed to make her way to her quarters for a few minutes. They were pretty much ruined but at least the door responded to her commlock and she was able to shut out the world and be alone for a short while. It was dangerous however...being alone. It gave her time to think...and she didn't want to dwell on what was happening...on the sacrifice Bob had made...on how much she missed John...on how bad things were. She knew that if she gave into her fear she would be lost. Wiping a damp flannel over her face to clean away the dust and running a comb through her hair was what she concentrated on. With a last look at a room she never expected to return to, she'd left and made her way to a functioning travel tube. Now, as John did his pre-launch checks she wandered about the practicality of what they were about to do. What awaited them on the planet? Would they ever return to Alpha? Why did it really matter...when there was no future for them here anymore anyway!

"Do you think they'll believe we're unarmed?" Even she could hear the fear in her voice.

John looked up at her words. He took a deep breath. "Who knows what they'll believe. Helena...I..." He looked grimly at the controls as they prepared for takeoff. "I needed you to be here with me..."

It's ok John...I know..." she smiled weakly at him and wondered to herself at the irony of the situation. Crazy really! She'd spent so much effort splitting them up...fighting against there being a 'them'...making sure they weren't together and now...if this was the end, here they were together and it was where they both wanted to be! Her reasons for doubting their relationship, her worry about them being accepted as a couple now seemed ridiculous and she was filled with sadness over the time that they'd wasted and remorse that it had all been her fault. The Eagle left Alpha far behind and the alien world grew ever closer, and both were lost in thoughts of what might have been.

* * *

><p><strong>The events of the last hours formed the basis of an experiment, part of an important analysis, run by the alien awareness, as a means of determining the consciousness of those who lived on the Moon. Did they possess within them the ability to evolve? Or were their human traits so deeply entrenched that they would be incompatible with the superior life force scrutinising them. At the conclusion of the experiment it was found that the humans had failed the test and judgement was passed. <strong>

* * *

><p>The journey was uneventful. Victor kept John up to date with the situation on Alpha and a communication from Sandra notified them that the casualty list had increased to a hundred and thirty one. Helena saw John's shoulders slump slightly as Sandra gave him the figures. There seemed to be no good news. There was little for Helena to do. John had control of the Eagle and after awhile he suggested she get some rest. Her mind was churning and the brief respite was welcome. He was tense and uncommunicative but ever so often, he would look across at her with the hint of a smile and those moments were precious. Even as she steeled herself for the uncertainty of what lay ahead, she was glad he'd brought her along. She'd missed his company...and just being close to him, having him to herself, even in such awful circumstances, was good. Occasionally John would open a comms channel and the sound of Pauls voice would fill the cockpit. Alpha had begun broadcasting a message to the planet as soon as their Eagle had left: an explanation of sorts: <em>Our Eagle is unarmed. Our Commander requests permission to meet, to discuss the plight of our Moonbase and its people.<em> Helena wondered what possible reason the beings on the planet could have had for the attack on Alpha, if anyone or anything down there could understand that they meant no harm.

"We've got to show them they've no need to be afraid of us."

"I think they know that already." His mood was deteriorating. The closer they got the more worried he became. He flipped a switch. "Paul. No response from the planet?"

"Still nothing, Commander. Maybe they're a race of deaf mutes."

John's words were clipped. "Why should they talk. When they can keep us guessing." He shook his head in frustration, he'd hoped for something by now...some response.

The first glimpse of the planet gave Helena some hope. There had been no attempt to attack them and the initial views were beautiful. Onboard data confirmed Computers conclusion, that the planet resembled Earth and that it could sustain human life. _Maybe it was too much to expect but what if...what if they could work this through with whomever...whatever called this planet home? Might this be the one?_ Then John lost control of the Eagle. Not in the 'alarm sounding, critical situation', sort of way...the Eagle just simply stopped responding to his input. It began to fly itself. Automatically they both began running system checks, but no malfunction showed up, but they did establish that communication with Alpha was lost too.

Then a voice filled the cockpit, it was their first, non violent contact, with the alien world. He heard Helena's sharp intake of breath as the voice spoke to them and he glanced reassuringly across at her. In clear, concise English they were told that their Eagle was being guided to a landing zone. The voice told them to relax and stand by for touchdown. Releasing the controls there was little else he could do but sit back and allow whatever force had taken over the Eagle, to control their fate. His mind was whirring. The planet had a voice. _It had spoken to them. Which meant it was able to communicate. It had called them 'Alphans' which meant it had knowledge of who they were and where they'd come from. _John tensed as the implication of the alien voice registered. He felt his anger increase and fought the impulse to slam his fist into the control panel in sheer frustration. _Someone on the planet was able to communicate...in English, GODDAMITT...so then why the attack? They MUST have been monitoring Alphas pleas. They MUST have known that the Alphans meant them no harm. So why had they attacked the Moonbase...why the senseless destruction? Why had they tried to eliminate his people? _His mood was dark as he brooded on what lay ahead and how they desperately needed to ask for assistance from an alien force that so clearly held them is such small regard.

There was no further communication from the planet as the Eagle landed and main systems shut down. The quiet hum of auxiliary power, maintaining basic functions, was the only sound in the cockpit alongside their tense breathing. As the landing procedure completed, John snapped open his harness and pushed himself out of his seat. Following his lead, Helena unclipped herself, her fingers fumbling slightly. "John..." her voice was a whisper.

"It's ok. Follow me."

As the Eagle door slid silently open Helena held her breathe not knowing what to expect.


End file.
